Journey of Beginnings

Texting is Not Like the Real Thing

2012-02-13T18:33:00.000-08:00

Friends, I'm thankful for such a full life, but I am feeling a little frantic lately because of a minor though chronic condition of overcommitment. February is busy because it contains the birthday of my firstborn, who is turning nine, and we must sound the trumpets and celebrate with style because she is worth it. Along with this, and traveling, and commitments at church, charity, and family, my cup overfloweth. I should and could come up with a list of things to do, proceed to run around like a chicken with its head cut off, and feel exhausted and drained without accomplishing much. Or, I could sit down, take a deep breath, and write. Hopefully the effect will be a calmer mind, more clarity, and a deeper appreciation of the purpose of these commitments. Yes, that sounds good. This I will do.

This past weekend I was out of town. I don't normally post how hot my husband is (I do think this) or loudly proclaim my love for him on social media because I don't want to annoy single people who resent hearing about my amazing married life. Not that all single people resent hearing about this. Nor should they. But I know sometimes it is hard so I prefer not doing that. But no judgment towards those who do flaunt their love life because it is something good and should be celebrated. Also, note to single people, our married lives are more than twitter and Facebook statuses, we also fight and that never gets posted. You should know that. End lengthy disclaimer.

The truth is, I do enjoy a very close relationship with my husband. We've been married for almost 11 years so let's face it we're past the honeymoon stage but definitely entered the deep intimate life sharing phase. When I was away, I texted him each night (truthfully to make sure my kids are clean and fed) and shared some short snippets from our day. We are thankful for the new iMessage which allows us to text each other for free as long as we both have internet access to our iPhones. After texting, I'd settle down on my hotel bed and drift off to sleep. I am able to sleep peacefully because I am content knowing my loved ones are safe, and having connected via a few texted words, sense my emotional and relational needs being met. There's a peace knowing my world is fine and I can wake up the next morning carrying on with the tasks of the next day. My marriage has taught me so much about the nature of our human-ness which requires a depth of connection which we find in marriage, friendship, family, communities, and beyond.

You know that bit in the Bible about how we, the followers of Jesus Christ, are metaphorically analogous to the Bride? This need for connection with my husband, this urge to text before bedtime, that's comparable to our longing to connect with our God. And Jesus, He is our iMessenger (wow, cheesy), giving us an avenue to directly relate to our Father. And He brings us peace to go to sleep at night. Peace knowing we are safe in His arms, safe to love others, safe to get up in the morning and carry on with the tasks of the next day.

But after three days of being gone, I came home. And I (after I told him to haul my luggage upstairs) gave him a hug. We settled into bed together and talked face to face. He told me stories of the kids antics and I shared about my trip.

And it was different. It was better. We were together again.

We are not there yet, the Church. We have a lot. We have Jesus, we have each other, we have glimpses of what is to come. It is enough for now. iMessage is sufficient. For now. But one day, we will be together, the Bride and the Groom, and it will be different. It will be better.

Mole Excision Surgery

2012-01-21T20:37:00.000-08:00

It was time to get rid of the mole to the right of my nose. I've always had this mole but it has grown substantially in the last few years and it's time for it to go.

Despite having labored to deliver two babies, my pain tolerance is still incredulously low. The thought of a needle in my face petrified me to no end. But I'm determined. The mole's gotta go. For a few days I asked around for mole removal dr recommendations, researched the internet, and talked to people about it. From everything that I read, it's a simple outpatient procedure.

Still, I'm nervous. The more I thought the more I panicked. The intensifying fear required relief. It's time to just get it over with. Thursday morning, I skip Bible Study and go to a pretty well known dermatology clinic near my house. I go in and they said it's full, I gotta wait until after CNY. "After CNY? I can't make it." That's the fear speaking. I left the clinic and decided to go to the nearby hospital. The dermatologist looked at my mole and said for sure I need surgery because it is raised and large and transferred me to the plastic surgery department. So I'm at the plastic surgery department, not knowing any of these doctors, and my nerves continue to grow. The whole time I'm texting Jason and my brother Aidan, keeping them posted, growing increasingly scared. Doctor finally calls me in and says you need surgery but you'll have to wait until after CNY. I panic again and plead, please could I have it done this morning, I have free time right now, I need to just get it over with. A scrubbed surgeon walks by and the nurses ask if he could do it. He looks at me, squeezes my face around, and says ok, he'll do it.

Again, I expected a simple outpatient procedure. Yet next thing I know, I"m being prepped for a full on surgery. They had me sign a consent form and I gulped after glossing over words like BLOOD and DEATH. They had me change into gowns, take off all my jewelry, put one of those green scrubby shower caps on and lead me into an operating room. The room is freezing (apparently that's how they have to keep ORs) with surgical equipment strewn all around. I lay down on the surgical bed and stare up into those big surgical lamps with like 6 rounded bulbs. I am freaking out. They cover me with blankets and I ask for more (it's cold in there!). Then they cover my face up exposing just my mole area. The dr. marks my face up of where he's going to cut. I almost jumped at the sensation of the pen on my face because I expected a shot. The doctor and nurses are not telling me ANYTHING about what's going on, which serves to further heighten my nerves. So I take charge and ask, "please can you tell me when you're going to give me the shot?" knowing that was the main thing that was going to hurt. They say yes they will. More prepping, rubbing my face with disinfectant, more marking and squeezing of my face. The moment came, "here comes the shot, it's going to hurt, it's really going to hurt!" The nurses yell. NOT HELPFUL. Expecting one shot, I received 4-5 various shots all around my mole. As always, the anticipation was MUCH worse than the actual needle, the pain was fairly minimal. The right side of my face goes numb. I am paranoid the anesthesia won't work during the procedure so I remain tense. I can feel a LOT of tugging and pulling of my face. Halfway into the procedure, I hear the doctor call the nurses for "電燒“， which literally means, "electric burn". A surge of new panic comes on, why are they going to use electric burn on me? I use the little medical knowledge I possess to surmise they need to cauterize the wound. He "electric burns" my wound, I hear a loud hissing sound, feel immense pressure on my cheek, then SMELL burning flesh. Breathing, breathing, telling myself to stay calm, I persevere. The burning lasts what feels like forever, he repeatedly cauterizes this area, I'm about to pass out wanting it to be over. Finally he puts the electric burn away, and presumably starts stitching. More tugging, more pressure. At long last it's over. They take off my covers and I am shivering uncontrollably, probably from the build up of my nerves. The nurses ask if I wanted to see my mole. I saw the huge ball of flesh on a surgical tray and nearly pass out again. Shaking, I get dressed, pay a whopping 350NT for the whole procedure and walk out the door.

At home, I change my dressing to discover I have a huge gash stitched up with 7 stitches and still shudder when I look at it.

Mole is gone, but in its place I may have a scar. Time will tell whether it was worth it.

2012 Resolutions

2012-01-06T05:51:00.000-08:00

New Year resolutions. Or goals. (Somebody explain the difference again?) We’ve all seen them run through our social media newsfeed. Eat better. Be present. Love more. Blah, blah, blah, it’s as standard as beauty pageant contestants promoting “world peace.” I have yet to come across more creative inspirational resolutions. Some people give up making them for fear of failure (gulp, guilty), others tentatively put it out there in public realm in hopes of accountability. The most obnoxious ones flaunt their accomplishments disguised in the form of resolutions inducing shame on those of us who are, what one might deem, lower profile. No, I do not plan on publishing a book in 2012, but hope to crank out a few blog entries for my audience of two to three, thank you very much.

And now, my turn to add my teensy voice into the cacophony of online NY announcements: in 2012, I propose to eat better, be present, and love more. Hey, I think there needs to be more creativity in resolutions but I got nothing.

Eat Better. We are not bad eaters. So the boys like snacking and Lizzy and I don’t drink enough water. Besides those minor faults, we generally maintain a healthy family diet, and none of us need to lose any weight. (Except me. But only on my tummy. And a little under my arms. That’s all. Don’t hurt me.) This past year Jason has decided, for environmental reasons, to stop eating beef. I didn’t plan on following suit but naturally stopped serving beef at family dinners. As it turns out, we feel better, spend less on meat, and do our small part withdrawing from an industry that devastates our earth. This year, I hope to eat even less meat and try cooking more vegetarian dishes. Fortunately I’ve found some fantastic vegetarian restaurants in our city and look forward to frequenting those this year.

Be present. This one is a bit vague. I interpret it to mean less time online and more time face to face. I don’t have super high hopes of maintaining this resolution, and will hereby briefly gloss over it and move on to the next.

Love more. Yes! In 2012, may I grow even more in love with my husband and children, taking every opportunity to express love in ways that resonates deeply within their souls. I hope to delve deeper into the precious friendships in my community. I ask God to do His five loaves two fish thing and multiply the space in my heart to include strangers and those in pain. I want to speak words of blessing and hope into a world of darkness. I want to quietly listen to beautiful stories of redemption. I want to shout loudly in advocacy for those silenced by marginalization. I will demand grace when I fall and extend that same grace without reservation. It will hurt me to love more, but when 2013 rolls around, I’ll look back and remember the pain was good pain, the sort that leads to a life worth living, and a story worth telling.

So there you have it, my New Years resolutions. Yours?

Light of the World

2011-12-14T17:00:00.000-08:00

I heard a story last week that has been relentlessly haunting my mind with images.

I see a picture of a toddler boy meeting a woman behind bars, his innocence shielding him from the harsh reality that his birth mother has been sentenced for life.

I see a woman forced into household servitude in a foreign land, and in a desperate attempt for freedom, lit a fire that claimed two lives. She believed according to local superstition, that a fire in the house would compel the head of the household to send her back home. Yet in an ironic, cruel twist of fate, her frantic gasp for air suffocated any hope of her return.

I see the dark prison, an institution of society’s justice system, meting out justice to a woman who has never known justice herself.

It’s the Advent season, a time we remember how God incarnated Himself in a tiny baby into our broken world. He did not come so we can arm ourselves with weapons of judgment. He dared those who have not sinned to cast the first stone at an adulterous woman. To his executors he blessed with forgiveness. He came, instead, to bring deliverance for the poor, for the orphaned, for the widowed, for the condemned. His message is one of light in the darkness. He came to tear down the walls we erect to keep the murderers safely out of the sight of our comfortable lives. He came to shatter the moral categories we develop to separate the sinners from the righteous. He brings with Him a new radical vision for all to embrace. In that vision,

I see the toddler boy adopted into a loving family. I see redemption.

I see full forgiveness of God extended to all, even those who have committed capital offense. I see grace.

I see justice for the poor, so no girls are sent away by their families in order to survive. I see deliverance.

I see beauty for ashes; comfort for mourning; mercy for judgment.

Jesus has come, and in his life, death, and resurrection, he’s brought forth His Kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven. Today, may hope flood our hearts and spill over into the darkest corners of the world, perhaps into a prison holding a broken woman, mother, and daughter of God.

Let's get to know each other

2011-11-13T03:00:00.001-08:00

I had a conversation with my girlfriend about the hypothetical situation of whether we should remarry if our husbands died. I know my married girlfriends have had this conversation too, don’t deny it people. Her response was how hard it would be to have to get to know another person as intimately all over again.

Truly one of the greatest gifts in relationships is to be understood by another person. And trusting you will be accepted and loved in spite of the intimate knowledge. However, the process from acquaintance to intimacy takes time. It takes time to tell stories, to react to circumstances in life, to laugh and cry together, to argue and disagree, and then to make up. These experiences build layers of trust and loyalty and compose the patches of material that make up friendship. Through time we weave our lives together and enter together into the depth of relationship that allow us to be known by one another. And we are created to long for that depth. To be deeply known.

The trouble is, then we move. We pick up and move to another town. Or in my case, across the freakin’ ocean. I grew up in a small school where my friends were like my brothers and sisters. We were that small and that close. At graduation we scattered literally all over the world. Our new communities did’t know our collective history and we had to start over from scratch with the storytelling and the laughing and crying and all that relationship building stuff. Then we’d move again. And start all over again. It’s no wonder people who are forced to move around a lot, like military families, have intimacy issues. It’s simply too exhausting.

Each time we enter a new community, that new place shapes us, molding us into someone different. When I left Wheaton, I was starting to question some of the conservative elements of my beliefs. Fuller helped introduce a broader spectrum of theology and how to incorporate doubt and criticism into a vibrant faith. In a sense, there was a Morrison Cindy, a Wheaton Cindy, a Fuller Cindy, a China Cindy, and a back-to-Taiwan Cindy. As time went on, the world changed and so did I. In the moving river of life, people who stepped in along the way journeyed with me downstream without the knowledge of who I was before I became who I am. Like a diamond, we can only reflect light off of one surface at a time even though we are made out of many facets.

The potential for misunderstanding is alarming. In our limited perspective, it’s too easy to make judgments regarding a person’s comments without a fuller understanding of their background. Wheaton Cindy would be appalled at some of the theological slants of back-to-Taiwan Cindy, and Chinese Cindy cannot hardly stand American Cindy most of the time. The complexities of our biological, cultural, mental, and spiritual identities is what fuels the psycho-therapy economy. And yet there exists inside of me the desire to be wholly known. The impossibility of somebody understanding the nuances of every past experience, every hat I wear, every idea and action and word I exhibit, doesn’t stop me from trying.

So I tell stories. I share my reaction when stuff happens. I laugh and cry. I argue and disagree. And I make up. Then I listen, not only to stories but to the stories behind the stories. I try not to jump to conclusions about people because I don’t know where they’ve been upstream. I look for the other faces of the diamond that make up each person I encounter because seeing only one side is not satisfying. I lean deep into the relationships around me to know and be known. It’s what I was created for.

I’m Cindy. It’s nice to meet you. Let’s get to know each other, shall we?

Called to Love

2011-10-24T05:47:00.000-07:00

I knew when I encountered the word "locutionary" in the latest theology book I'm reading I had bitten off more than I can chew. Contrary to what Kathy Laytham says, I am really not very smart. I learned very late in life how to think for myself. In that respect, my daughter is way ahead of me as she seems to know everything about the world at the age of 8. But there is something so alluring about reading intelligent articulation of faith, theology, and culture. At Wheaton, I spent hours sitting in the dining hall with friends unpacking theology and its significance. With the explosion of the blogging enterprise, I am now afforded the opportunity to engage for hours on end with theology professors, authors, and pastors via the world wide web. I simultaneously scorn and crave controversies that go viral online. Rob Bell's accused heresy fed my addictions temporarily. For my next fix I look to Mark Driscoll - he never fails to deliver. Sometimes I will attempt to squeeze in one more blog post from Mason Slater before I feed my children. It is that bad. I am reminded of Monica opening wedding presents without Chandler (OMG, am I REALLY referencing Friends, how last decade am I?), "Joey, I'm out of control!"

Turns out your online life eventually bleeds into your offline life. If you read enough blog posts "pushing back" at another blog post, you learn to push back in real life. I've struggled with this problem for quite a while. In seminary we were taught to think critically about our faith. For one of our finals we had to criticize the theology in Veggie Tales. What in the world? Who does that? It's Veggie Tales, Saturday morning fun, Sunday morning values! I wrote, "Veggie Tales does a great job of teaching children Christian ethics" and I got a C. So it's really no surprise that by the time I came out the other end of the theological training system, I can no longer listen to a sermon, go through a Bible Study, or even watch a darn Christian cartoon without ripping it to shreds. Uh, I mean, critically evaluate the presuppositions and rearrange the epistemological framework of the underlying assumptions attributing to the consequent praxis. If you didn't understand that last sentence, yeah neither did I. And the only reason I even knew those words was because I was forced to use them in my education and I was obsessed with beating my husband with my grades. (That is really sad, I know.)

My main problem is that I can't seem to undo the damage. I can't unlearn what I have learned. Also, did I mention it is addicting? Do you know how satisfying it feels to actually look up the word "locutionary", learn what it means as applied to biblical hermeneutics, understand it, and explain it to your husband to show off your intellectual prowess? (In case anyone is curious, he's not normally as impressed as I'd like him to be.)

I actually intended this post to be a serious one about conjoining theology and ethics but it's late at night and slight delirium is leading me to derail from my original purpose. The point is, in case anyone is still reading this post, the allure of theological musings can sometimes mar one's character, which results in some serious irony as the study of a Good and Loving God should lead one to love more fully, not think more critically. I don't remember a word from my undergraduate commencement message (probably because my future in-laws were there and I was more concerned about impressing them) but I still remember the sermon Dr. Richard Mouw spoke at our graduation from Fuller. He said Christian education is about the head - thinking critically, the heart - loving, and the hand - doing the work of God. Then he said the most important of the three is the heart. (note he says it much more eloquently than my paraphrase here, that is why he is the president of an academic institution and I'm just rambling in cyberspace with questionable use of parenthesis.)

I went to seminary because I love God and I wanted to serve people. Thanks Dr. Mouw for reminding us all that living a rational and robust faith means loving with abandon. As much as I believe in thoughtful engagement with culture and not divorcing our intellect from our faith, I hope they contribute instead of detract from our character as followers of Christ. That our theological debates lead us to greater humility, generous charity, and sacrificial love.

Home to home and back again

2011-07-13T05:45:00.000-07:00

There are no surprises. Even the youngest member of our family, five year old Hayden, has a well-worn passport. International travel is no novelty to us. We know there will be lines for customs, procedures of security check, and how to occupy our time for hours and hours of airplane travel. We land in LAX and I wait for that sensation of culture shock, though anticipated is no less jarring. Our five sense are flooded with sights and sounds we are not used to, but yet are not unfamiliar with. I whisper to Jason, "I hope the kids don't make comments about seeing black people", nervous about the unfiltered words coming from my little ones who live in a monocultural society. At the same time I mentally run through my own behavior and whether they are appropriate for this context, telling myself to go ahead and banter with the store clerk because that's what people do here. I watch my husband and wonder if he feels as foreign as I do in this place. I marvel at the children's reactions to being back in America, so filled with delight and yet tentative. By day 3, I had crossed the line from merely being a thoughtful traveler to crazy over-analytical wife who was overwhelming her husband with theories of why people behave the way they do here and what is the Christian meaning behind the behavior and how it affects our family's history and future. It's the career hazard of being a cross cultural Christian worker. I abandon the theoretical exercises (or at least stop spouting them out loud) and simply enjoy the good times to be had with friends, old and new, and family.

We had a too-brief stay in LA and was reminded of how much we loved living there. Then off to Colorado to reunite our children with their doting grandparents whose gracious hospitality allowed us to not have to lift a finger for anything. Mountains were enjoyed, Colorado blue sky appreciated, and even a sighting of Saturn through the telescope at Grandparent's cabin was scored. Credit cards were maxed out and two years worth of shopping were caught up.

The glass half empty approach to our family's unique cultural experiences would be to struggle to find where home is. Indeed, at the moments when the modern invention of jet plane lands us in a a different land within a matter of hours, it takes a while to find our balance amidst the sudden shift in culture. But quickly we discover our home among people, those who are connected to us through a smorgasbord of life experiences, those who remain faithful in our relationship despite geographical distance. It turns out home is not just where the bed you are used to is at, but amongst friends and family connected to you via strands of love and loyalty, shared experiences and commitment, common vision and faith.

As we've gone from home to home and back again, I can't help but wonder if there is a home for us somewhere we've yet to discover.

Missionary to Entrepreneur

2011-04-14T16:15:00.000-07:00

I knew when I titled this blog "Journey of Beginnings", it was appropriate for our lives. We are again embarking on a new adventure of starting a new business selling girl's clothing to families in Taiwan. Having majored in Bible for undergrad and armed with an MA in Theology from seminary, the minor detail that gets shuffled away in my life is the fact that I got 40 credit hours of business classes in college. That's right, I was a double major. Always felt the need to cram more than one project in my life. Thus the ulcer. But that's for a different post.

There was this guy in our class at Wheaton College who always had a bright smile on his face and his love for Jesus was so vibrant and alive that we gave him the nickname Jesus Josh. Jesus Josh carried a Bible wherever he went, encouraged others with Bible verses, thrived in Student Missionary Projects, and was the poster boy for World Christian Fellowship. Well, I wanted to be Jesus Cindy, and having roomed with an amazing godly girl from China and dated a guy with a love for China, I decided being an "M" in China was my path. A path which was subsequently fiercely pursued and blazed in my twenties. My time in China and being outside the Wheaton bubble deconstructed some of the glorified ideals that were imprinted in my young mind through those mountaintop worship experiences at WCF (though my generation will always lament the fact we barely missed the revival). Namely, becoming a missionary was the epitome of the Christian experience.

Turns out being a missionary just makes you really socially awkward and odd. At least in our experience. What do you do for a living? Um, we, uh, hang out with people? How do you make a living? Um, uh, family and friends, uh, give money in return for newsletters. You're how old and you're still in language school? We, uh, see language learning as part of identifying with your culture.

As we thought about how to be relevant in China, we slowly came to the realization we will fight an uphill battle impacting the mainstream culture as long as we're on the fringe. Our theology also continued to take shape as we pondered whether evangelism was the epitome of being faithful. Were we doomed to live this socially awkward, fringe behavior missionary lifestyle, if we truly wanted to be faithful to the Good news of Jesus? And from there our perspective of the gospel expanded to the model of bringing in the Kingdom of God. Is it possible that teachers, doctors, lawyers, migrant workers, vendors, non profit workers, businessman, and those in political office can be JUST as faithful in their role in the Kingdom of God as the almighty missionaries?

I think most people would agree the answer to the above question is a resounding yes, but there are not resources and literature to help equip this group of Christians. We've learned to be Christians on Sundays but not on Mondays through Saturdays. I hope our new adventure on being entrepreneurs will be a time of exploration in how to be faithful business people who see their vocation as an endeavor to participate in the Kingdom of God.

DISCLAIMER: I am in no way saying there is no place for missionaries, pastors, and full time ministry workers. They are my heroes for doing what they do and I was honored to have been a part of that community. What I am trying to debunk is the myth one must be a part of that community in order to be a faithful Christian.

My awkward relationship with America

2011-03-09T15:16:00.000-08:00

Despite my near-flawless American accent, my intimate knowledge of American history/government/culture, my 3/4 of family who are American, I am not an American. I was born and raised in Taiwan, aside from a brief 3 year stint in Australia at the ages of 10-12. My parents chose to place me in an International school with American teachers, students, curriculum which landed me in a community located on the outskirts of a city in Taiwan for most of my formative years. After graduating from an American college prep high school, I naturally went on to an American college and graduate school. So you can say that I didn't choose America, but that America was chosen for me.

My faith was also delivered to me via the American version of the gospel. Having grown up reading Chinese folk stories of 18 levels of hell, I was happy to accept this free ticket into heaven with a simple belief in Jesus Christ. I learned to speak Christian-ese, pray, and worship in the American language, as well as grow deeper in understanding of the gospel. And I thrived in that faith community. Some aspects of my spiritual journey at this stage of my life I treasure - learning to love, serve, and forgive my peers as we grew together in such a unique tight-knit community. Other aspects I resent in hindsight - being shown a graphic video of aborted babies and indoctrinated to side with a politically charged issue. I will forever be thankful for the sacrifices my teachers and mentors made to uproot their families to come to Taiwan in order to share their faith with me and others like myself.

I went on to attend a conservative Christian college and then leaned a bit to the left and did seminary at Fuller. I read about the history of Christianity in America, how our theology is shaped by American culture, and how we might be salt and light as Americans in America and beyond. The irony is not lost on me. If you have followed my blog at all, you know my struggles of cultural identity given my complex background. As a non-American Christian, I live and breathe a gospel wrapped up with red, white, and blue.

In the last election I rallied for my favorite presidential candidate more passionately than my "real" American husband. I use his name and state to sign up for petitions all over the country fighting for the issues I believe Christians ought to stand up for. When America makes blunders in the world, I'm the first to point my finger at her even though I have absolutely no right to, given the fact that I even gave up my green card last year.

A few sundays ago, the pastor preached a sermon about how wealthy we are in comparison to the global poor. He used a statistic citing how unevenly the wealth is weighted in America. After the service, a Taiwanese young guy came charging up to my white husband and accused, "how can you Americans hoard so much wealth?" To whom Jason coolly answered, "the sermon was not directed towards Americans but yourself and how you can better be a steward of your wealth" which effectively turned his pointed finger around. This incident made me evaluate how often I do the same thing? Point my finger at America? Shouldn't I be thinking about my own country (Republic?) and how we can be faithful ourselves?

The reality is I am not equipped. I did not go through more than a decade of education to critically think about how to live my faith in the Chinese context. As much as I am saddened by this fact, it is a fact nonetheless. The other reality is America, despite some people's opinions, is still the most powerful country in our world today, and thus positioned to have the most influence in the lives of each global citizen. And as the American icon Spiderman says, "with great power comes great responsibility." Therefore, if I am called to obey one of the most central commandments in Scripture "Love your neighbor", I am compelled to call upon the leader of our world today to help us all do just that. The country that birthed the missionaries who gave me the gospel of Jesus Christ, must be the example to me of how to live out that gospel most faithfully.

So I will continue to send out petitions, even if it means pretending to be my husband. Because when I read stories about how women are being mass raped in Congo because America doesn't impose tight enough regulations on the source of minerals used in the technology that runs our world, it is to America I turn. Please, use your power and leadership, on behalf of the millions whose voices go unheard.

Judgment Day - May 21, 2011

2011-02-10T17:01:00.000-08:00

I posted this picture of a sign in our city on facebook. Approrpiately, facebook friends commented: wierd, fail, and other snide remarks. Many of my facebook friends have been around the Christian block long enough to know this isn't the first doomsday prediction and sadly won't be the last, and are quick to dismiss it as another ridiculous display of public idiocy by the latest group of crazies. But for the sake of my local friends here in Taiwan who may be new believers, here are my ideas of why we should choose to ignore these claims.

These kinds of organizations aim to stoke the fires of fear in people. Placing a specific date on Judgment Day, claiming to have derived it from the Word of God, are all tactics to threaten you to repentance. But our God is Love, and Perfect Love drives out fear, not induce it! Our gospel is that of grace and compassion, and invites with a sweet gentle Call. Genuine repentance never comes from fear, but through coming face to face with the unfathomable depths of God's love shown through the life, ministry, death and resurrection of Jesus, and those who follow Him.

Judgment Day is not the focal point of the cosmic timeline. As Christians, our main event happened 2000 years ago when Jesus walked out of that tomb. Most of the teachings in Scripture concerning the "End of the World" were addressed to believers living under intense persecution, to whom it surely felt like they were living in the End Times, and those Scriptures were calling them to remain faithful to the life and mission and resurrection of Jesus. We are called to usher in the New Kingdom, one characterized by justice, compassion, and hope.

So, to my fellow followers of Christ, let's log out of familyradio.com (yes I went on the website too and spent waaaay too much time reading through it), let's not plan to loiter around the sign on May 22nd to witness their folly revealed, because we've got far too many important tasks to attend to - loving our neighbors, speaking out for those who can't, praying for Egypt, living faithfully in our families, communities, and the world.

Your Kingdom Come.

This Christmas

2010-12-18T03:08:00.001-08:00

This Christmas, we at the MAK school family, rocked a cynicism blasting, injustice butt kicking, poverty fighting campaign by raising an incredible US$16,000+ to provide clean water for children in Cambodia.

It's cliche and kind of untrue to say it's not about the money. After all, it is with these very funds that water purification systems will be built. But I've learned how relative money is. A dollar means different things to a billionaire, to a middle class family, and to those living in extreme poverty. Rather, the significance is in the impact of each dollar, both in the the people from whom it was given and those who received.

I can't speak for each student/staff/parent of the school community, but judging from the generous outpouring from beginning to end of this short campaign, they resonated deeply with the cause and believed in making a difference in our world. It is a delightful testimony of the character the community exhibited, that they would give so willingly to people who will likely never get a chance to say thank you.

For me, I can't think of a word to capture my joy in this campaign, so I will steal Gabe Choi's phrase which he repeatedly used when I was translating: "blown away". (Note to Gabe, blown away - no equivalent in Chinese!) To be honest, I had fairly low expectations of this project. I've had some experiences with the workings of NGO's so I know for a fact it is not an easy task to ask for donations in this economic climate. This is the first time the school has done a project targeted to help people off-island, so I pessimistically angst over the obstacle of not being able to show our families the actual location and people of the project. Our target goal (10,000) was higher than the amount ever raised before: another stretch of faith.

So these dollars are going to change the lives of thousands of kids living in extreme poverty, and I hope it has changed the hearts and ambitions of our kids. To me, it was a mind-blowing reminder of God's faithfulness to us and the desires He has given us to bring hope for the poor. It was a sweet gentle call to faith in community, because it was together with so many people working in various ways that this project was accomplished. And above all, it was a display of His love, abundantly showered on myself and others involved, to share in His joy and delight through our compassion and generosity, and on the children in Cambodia, to whom He has brought light in the midst of their darkness this Christmas.

The temptation is there. The pull to despair about how many continue to suffer and die in poverty and injustice for every child we have helped. Our work is far from being done. But for now I revel in this mountaintop experience and simply say thanks to my good and loving God.

Boundaries in Family

2010-12-07T04:44:00.000-08:00

I've been reading Boundaries for Kids, the infamous Boundaries book by Cloud and Townsend adapted for parents. So far, I dig it. The book fleshes out some of the principles I use in parenting my children, and offers some very practical advice in various situations. From what I've read (I've never actually read the original Boundaries), the idea of drawing healthy boundaries in our lives is to develop a clear sense of self, identity, purpose, in order to functionally engage in thriving relationships. As applied to parenting, they advise parents to seek to have a life outside of their children, not only to protect themselves from burnout but also to model actively living a purposeful life. In doing so, we also foster a self-identity in the children beyond their relationship with us. As I nod and mutter my "Amens" throughout the book, a nagging voice in my head seems to provoke: "Rebel! Exactly what point did you abandon your Chinese upbringing and adopt this Western nonsense and raising your kids to draw boundaries and be independent? What do YOU know about family? What if YOUR family "drew boundaries" with you, would you have the privileges of the life you enjoy now?"

The truth is, I've heard some horror stories of Chinese families with absolutely no sense of boundaries. One of Jason's students recently married a man whose mother still tucks him into bed at night. Even more disturbing is when I told this story to my family, they shrugged and said it's very common. Some of these "attachment" issues between a son and his mother causes tremendous distress to Chinese wives and I have seen destruction of families over the impossible "po-po" (mother-in-law) relations. I think a book on Boundaries could truly lift some Chinese families out of their miserable, enmeshed tangle of relationships. However, I am also weary of Western missionaries preaching the "leave and cleave" passage without comprehending the complexities of the Chinese family network. It resembles the "be White to be Christian" paradigm too much for my comfort.

So I am again left in the lovely grey area where I find myself most of these days. I want to sound the trumpets and recommend Boundaries to my friends, but am not sure how the Chinese audience would receive it. In the end, I don't think Chinese families need a Boundaries book, written by people who have not operated in a Chinese context. This is not to say there are not "boundaries" problems in Chinese society, but that the solution needs to come from the Holy Spirit breathing His gentle nudges of change within Chinese culture. When a Christian Chinese xi-fu (daughter in law) falls on her knees crying for help to our God, perhaps she will receive what she needs without abandoning the amazing breadth of commitment and sacrificial love that typical Chinese families exhibit for each other.

Living a Good Story

2010-11-30T23:14:00.001-08:00

I just finished reading the book by Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand years. It's all about his process of making a movie about his life, and whether he is living a story worth telling. I couldn't stop chuckling my way through the book, his dry humor kept me entertained in those sweet post-children's bedtime-husband engaged in the new Assasin's Creed game-just Cindy moments. He considers the various elements of our lives and whether they are ingredients for a good story. For example, in every good story, the protagonist suffers setback in order to advance his character, which then leads one to ponder whether we sometimes choose uncomfortable paths to live a good story.

With his words tumbling around inside my mind, I journeyed along with some of my friends' roller coaster dramas in the past few weeks, meanwhile putting through my own humble, not-without-its-craziness, life, and saw some amazingly beautiful redemptive stories in the making.

My friends and heroes, Leslie & ZB, are on their way to adopting a little girl from Ethiopia. They've prayed, angst, celebrated, grieved, and moved forward on this journey of international adoption. Little Siri has yet to officially become a part of their family but their faithfulness in pursuing her is a beautiful picture of the way God pursues us - urgent, unconditional love.

Gloria and Brenda - two sisters' stories intertwining in pursuit of a potential adoption of Ladybug - a cerebral palsy baby. Doctor's visits, skype conferences, trips to the Children's Home, and endless phone calls. The details are mundane, but underlying these small steps of faith are big hearts for orphans, for God's calling, for hope. Theirs are the stories of a bond in family, so close-knit to do the impossible for each other, and yet stretches enough to include a little Ladybug.

Lizzy's playmate in China, Adah Morris is fighting an aggressive form of leukemia in the most heroic way. Through all testing, treatment, and chemo, she continues unwaveringly in loving and caring for her sister, her friends in the hospital, her aunties from China, and friends all around the world. Even six year olds can live good stories!

Then I hear of my friend Dave, who has a PhD in neuro something or other, and yet not afraid to take a leap of faith and pursue a career in web design and application. Recent trophy = an iphone game approved! I am so inspired by the story he's living and makes me want to walk with eyes on the prize and away from the fears and anxieties of life.

My friend Marissa - mother of three young boys. She's busy loving on them and yet fulfilling her dream of becoming a published author (and well on her way!). I can't imagine how she juggles in editing in between diaper changes, preparing toddler snacks and supporting her husband, all in the same 24 hour window that I have. Great story. Busy story.

On and on the list goes, and I feel so overwhelmed and privileged to be watching story after story of hope and redemption, to experience the joys and sorrows of each story the way I laugh and cry in my favorite books, and knowing deep in my soul, that each story is a signpost (oh yes, I'm an NT Wright groupie) towards the Kingdom of a good God.

How can anyone think life is boring?

Our Unique Bond - Logistics

2010-11-05T06:54:00.000-07:00

As you can see, I've lost count of my continuing series on Cross Cultural Marriage. We're moving forward with subject titles from this point on. I've gone over some of the theoretical concepts of what it may mean to be married cross culturally and thought it might be helpful to zone in on the logistics.

What's in a name?

Chinese women keep their maiden names, but may be referred to as Mrs. "Husband's Surname". American women generally change their last names after marriage but these days it's kind of your choice. I didn't think about it much and by default took on my husband's name and became Cindy Brandt. Here are some of the issues I know of in picking the right combination of names:

-when people see my name without seeing my actual person they assume I'm Caucasian as Brandt is a German last name, so there's a bit of a disconnect with my heritage.
-If an American woman takes on their Chinese husband's last name, there is sometimes the problem of family/friends not knowing how to pronounce your name.
-choose wisely because once you decide, you better stick with it unless you want to become more entangled in red tape than you already have to be. See upcoming section.

Location, location, location

When you marry someone who is not from your country, you have the joy of deciding where you will live together, and the not-so-joyful process of going through VISA, or RESIDENCY applications. I've ranted about this before, but most people automatically assume when you marry someone of another country, you can easily become a citizen of nation of your spouse. Untrue. Our world may be globalizing but the immigration processes are still developing. In the meantime you'll have bureaucracy to deal with. I think (hope!) things have already improved from when J and I got married, so I hope future cross culture marrieds will have an easier time. On a side note, for some reason unknown to our present selves, ten years ago we decided it would be a good idea for me to apply for the US green card. At the time, we were planning to move to China. So go figure, stupid young Jason & Cindy, what a waste of time and energy. As of this summer, I cut up my green card. Moral of the story? Try to decipher your personal crystal ball and avoid unnecessary paperwork.

Party, baby, party

Cross cultural marriages is a life long fusion event. Your wedding celebration can incorporate lots of fun traditions from each other's cultures, and that's only the beginning. The advice I gave my friends when I had the honor of marrying them was to celebrate all the holidays. That's right, I'm all about partying. In addition to it being plain fun, it's a great way of incorporating both cultures into your family life. Of course, the year calendar might turn into one long party so sensibly you pick and choose. For example, we don't celebrate Halloween, or Valentines, or obscure festivals Teacher's Day. But we do hit most of the major ones like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Chinese New Year. We cross cultural marrieds have to work extra hard to make areas of our marriage work, so we deserve the extra break. Live it up, people.

Our Unique Bond #6

2010-10-27T04:09:00.000-07:00

I'm not even going to pretend like I have any decent advice to give concerning raising children in a cross cultural marriage. I have two kids, at the time of writing, seven and four. There is a long way to go before anyone can make judgments of our parenting skills. So without offering any solutions to people seeking advice on how to raise bi (tri, multi) cultural kids let me offer you the challenges of cross cultural parenting. (I know, you're welcome.)

If culture shock is an issue for you before your pregnancy, having a baby is going to kick it into high gear. Because, with that final contraction and push, you've birthed an entity outside of yourself which has your entire heart wrapped around it, your culture bound expectations of life attached to her, and an innate instinct to protect and defend him no matter the cost. This is a precarious position to be in while encountering culture shock because you're confronting something that is attacking not just your cultural values, but also attacking the little being through whom you naturally want to preserve the values you hold to be true. Many times, this very dilemma has kept us from embracing Chinese culture while we lived in China, because we simply didn't have the courage to subject our children to the cultural differences they will inevitably confront. For example, we decided to pull our daughter out of the Chinese preschool system because we sensed the teachers using tactics like shame, which is very sensible within Chinese culture, to teach our very free-spirited daughter. For more on my experiences with my kids in Chinese school system, see here and here.

Every cross cultural couple, or expats, who think about having children anticipate raising their children bilingual. No one can deny the benefits of the gift of bilingualism. But it is never as easy as you imagine, and although I have seen, or heard about, people doing it successfully, they are few and far between. The best advice I can give to people is to set realistic expectations. For me, it means grappling with the reality that my kids are never going to be as bilingually fluent as I am. My bilingual abilities are a product of my environment which my kids do not have. Of course, being bilingual may mean different things to people. I am bilingual in that I can speak and understand both languages and be comfortable developing meaningful relationships with people of both Chinese and American culture. For some, being bilingual may mean being able to read, speak, write, and get PHD's in both tongues, for others it's being able to simply speak "market language". The best outcome I have seen of people raising bilingual children are instances where the mother and the father have a different dominant language. Jason and I both have dominant languages in English so it was an uphill battle to raise our kids in Chinese. If you are committed to raising bilingual children, there are certainly some quality resources out there to help you.

Language is only one aspect, though certainly a significant aspect, of culture. I grew up with lots of missionary children and some of them can speak Chinese fluently but very few of them embodied Chinese culture. And that's because their Western families were the primary influence in the formation of their worldview. With parents coming from two cultures, the challenge is to decide, hopefully together, what worldview and values to pass on to your child. Note some of these will be conscious decisions that you and your spouse discuss, but I think many of these are simply passed on subconsciously because of our unquestioned assumptions. These decisions range from material things such as food, clothing, routine (no sensible Chinese family puts their child to sleep anytime before 9:00), to the way you treat your parents, people in your community, etc. Sometimes I see the way my children behave and am astounded by how American they are. Those are the moments of disconnect for a Chinese Mom raising children with an American husband. Just the other day I was in tears to J, grieving that some of my favorite things to do (okay eat, I'm Chinese!!) when I was a little girl are not things my kids love. But I know we are giving them countless invaluable experiences by exposing them to the best and worst of both cultures. I also know, from deep personal experience, that it is not the easiest life journey. My prayers are they will learn at a young age, sometimes being uncomfortable is the path to treasured blessings.

Our Unique Bond #5

2010-10-17T23:45:00.000-07:00

There are infinite number of scenarios that mark cross cultural marriages in relation to in laws that it seems a daunting task to pull any overarching themes together. You could have parents who supported your marriage, those who grew to support it, those who opposed, those whom you live down the block from, under the same roof, across the world, divorced parents, dysfunctional parents, etc. But I'm going to try. And I'm going to use my old friend Alliteration to help me.

R-edefine your idea of family. This is poignant between American and Chinese marriages like us. Simply because the definition of family differs so drastically between the two cultures. Generally, Chinese culture places stronger emphasis on the joining of two entire families when two single individuals choose to marry. What sort of model your marriage will adopt is something the couple will have to work out together. I know my American friend chose to live with her Chinese mother in law after they had their first child. J and I most likely will never find ourselves in that situation, ahem, by choice. Whatever ends up being characteristic of your marriage in your relationship with your spouse's family, it's not a bad idea to begin by recognizing some of your assumptions of what that picture might look like is not universal, and to be open-minded and humble enough to stretch the definition of family to accommodate your new family of another culture. This will not be a comfortable process, but again, the reward is there. All cultures supply solutions to society's problems differently, and you will be enlightened by some of those solutions which you never considered within your own culture. (Of course you will discover problems you never knew but let's stay positive, shall we?)

R-emember your families didn't choose to marry you into another culture (unless they did so through arranged marriages which would be subject for an entirely different sort of blog post as this particular one), so you can't expect them to make the effort to reach cross culturally as you did. It takes a lot of work to engage another culture. Your parents have their own lives, and yes ideally they would be the type of people who make that effort, but if they're not, you can't really blame them. J and I try, not very hard to be frank, to explain to our own parents why our spouse acts the way they do, and meet with blank stares. Both our parents have grown up in a very monocultural world without too much meaningful encounter of other cultures, it is sometimes too far of a stretch to get them to see from our perspective. And it is unfair because they don't live in close proximity with someone of another culture daily as we do. Perhaps lowering expectations in this area will improve life with in laws in a cross cultural context.

R-espect your parents/in laws. It's common courtesy, it's civil, it's Christian, it's filial piety, whatever you call it, just do it. Perhaps it's the Chinese part of me, but as a parent myself, I know firsthand the kind of unconditional love you have for your children, and it's important to respond in respect. And I believe doing so goes a long way in displaying respect for your spouse. The problem with being in a cross cultural marriage is respect is shown differently in each culture. My advice is to take cues from the local, ie., your spouse. For example: Chinese people generally only make a big deal of birthdays when you are a young kid, but I've learned acknowledging birthdays is a very meaningful event in my American family and try to adapt to that custom.

And by popular demand (okay 2 people suggested it), raising children up next.

Our Unique Bond #4

2010-10-14T22:08:00.000-07:00

Culture shock is the pruning process. It's the Good Friday before Easter Sunday. It's the dark night before the dawn. It's the pain before the gain. But let me be clear on one thing: though culture shock is inevitably painful, it is not inevitable. We experience culture shock only if and when we actually desire to engage with another culture in a meaningful way. I personally know couples who marry cross culturally who don't make an effort to engage in their spouse's culture and I suspect they don't have culture shock issues in their marriage. Just as an expat can live in another culture and exist purely in an expat bubble without engaging local culture, they too, won't encounter culture shock issues.

And here I break the bad news to people considering cross culture marriages. Gulp. In my humble opinion, you WILL have to make sacrifices and be ready to lose aspects of your culture if you want to make your marriage work. And if you, as I did, decide being married to your man/woman, was worth those sacrifices, it doesn't mean you won't later on in your marriage miss and grieve those losses. There are parts of my Chinese self, that I can never fully share and relate, with J. Though I try with every effort throughout our marriage. I believe it is ultimately healthy for the relationship to recognize and come to accept this. If you find yourself in a cross cultural relationship, you will have to decide the things you value in your relationship is worth the cost. In my case, I saw a character I admired, a common vision for life, and a deep friendship that bonded us even despite cultural differences.

The problem is you can never fully discover everything about your significant other until after you've married and when those losses are experienced later on in marriage, that's when we come face to face with culture shock. J and I practically minored in cross cultural issues during seminary so we kind of have an advantage in dealing with culture issues in our marriage. On the other hand, we also chose to move to China, where we both had to encounter culture shock in addition to our own issues - that's the down side. I can give some specific examples of how to deal with culture shock, but my very private husband might object to me hanging out our dirty laundry (ahem, Americans value privacy). But here are some general principles that have helped us:

1) Listen. Culture conflict occur because we can't get past our own culture bound assumptions of reality. It is really difficult to understand something that you have never questioned in your life. But you love your man/woman, so listen and try your best to understand.

2) AFTER you've listened, explain your perspective. Sometimes what you know to be matter of fact isn't matter of fact at all to a person of another culture. J and I have had to explain some very basic things about our own culture to each other.

3) Talk using very specific terms. Avoid saying, "I am frustrated Americans do this.....", when what you want to say is, "when you did that, I felt hurt." Very often, it is because of our culture that we behave a certain way to hurt our spouse of another culture, but it's not helpful to point that out, it's much better to focus on the specific incident.

4) Allow your spouse time to ride through the waves of culture shock without taking it personally. When J would get frustrated with certain aspects of Chinese culture, I would take it so personally, as if he was frustrated with me. I've learned that it is normal and healthy for him to vent and cope in his time.

5) Some things are better left unsaid. It takes time to struggle with culture shock and to get to the end stage of total engagement and acceptance. During the phase, if you do feel tremendous frustration with your spouse's culture, refrain from expressing those frustrations with too much liberty to each other. Find another outlet, preferably someone else who can understand your frustrations. And once the emotions ride out, you can find a more peaceful way of communicating what you've experienced to your spouse.

Easier said than done. But it is worth doing. Please don't be the kind of couple who just is content with living life according to one spouse's culture. You are robbing yourself of the gift of being in a cross cultural marriage. J and I have learned so much about each other, and it has provided us with the invaluable skill of being able to encounter people who are very different from us with respect. And we hope to pass this on to our children to help them navigate themselves in our increasingly diverse yet interconnected world.

Shall I touch on in-law issues next? yikes.

Our Unique Bond #3

2010-10-12T19:13:00.000-07:00

Preconceptions or assumptions of husband/wife roles is an issue even in mono cultural marriages because we are all shaped by the individual families we were raised in. In cross cultural marriages, those role perceptions are even more diverse. Esepecially the joining of two people from such a vastly different culture as Western and Chinese. Let me quickly highlight a few (please remember, as always in my blog posts about cross cultural issues, there's no right and wrong, just different!):

1) Chinese culture views the wife as marrying into the husband's family and are obligated to xiao shun (filial piety) the husband's parents. It is not uncommon for the wife to move into a home with the husband's family. Western culture defines family as the nuclear unit, once man and wife marry they form their individual family. (Just a sub note, Christian subculture in the West seems to me have deemed this nuclear unit model as the designated Biblical model, which is untrue, and is a subject for another post. I recommend Rodney Clapp's book "Families at the Crossroads" for a more detailed examination of the topic.)

2) Chinese culture takes a pragmatic approach to marriage - seeing it as a unit of society of which people belong to in order to better chances for economic prosperity and increase social standing. Westerners place a higher emphasis on romance and the pleasure of companionship in marriage.

3) The specific household division of chores (who brings in the cash, who does housework, who raise children, etc.) has morphed so much and is so varied in modern China (also between Taiwanese traditional culture and China's communist influences) that it's hard to find a clear distinction between Western and Chinese culture. Although, the cultural assumptions attached to spousal role definitions clearly impact a cross cultural marriage.

So what did it mean for J to be the American husband to his Chinese wife and vice versa? The short answer: we had no idea. And like all other young married couples, we stumbled along and slowly figured out what worked for us. And the result is to be expected: we came up with our own unconventional definitions of husband/wife roles. And therin lies another gem of being a cross cultural couple, we get to come up with our own ideas and chalk it up to our unique position. We decided to go to seminary together (which was quite unheard of, we were the rare couple at Fuller attending at the same time), and because of being equally educated, we were able to serve in ministry, work, and share our housework and child rearing responsibilities almost equally. This defied the models of both of our original families, but no one seems to question it, and I believe it is because we have made the unconventional decision to marry in the first place.

to be continued: dealing with culture shock in marriage

Our Unique Bond #2

2010-10-11T22:47:00.000-07:00

I don't think there's a magical number of months that is appropriate for an engagement period. I think what matters more is the quality of that time spent preparing for marriage, rather than the quantity of time. For J and I, we dated in our senior year of college. Which meant, we were mentally checking out of school, we weren't working yet, and we lived on the same campus in adjacent apartments. Even though we dated for a short year, it was a pretty intensive block of time together. However, the number one best thing we did for our engagement period was for him to pack up his bags and move to Taiwan for six months (the longest time the visa situation would allow).

We all behave differently in different contexts. You don't act the same way with your peers as you do with older people or with young kids. Factor into this our cultural environment. One certainly does not act the same in a Chinese context as you would in a Western context unless one did not care for, or are ignorant of, any sort of social conventions. Needless to say Jason was in for a MAJOR shock when he encountered the Chinese me. Somehow, he still managed to get that ring out of his bag and propose as we entered this adventure of our intercultural marriage. During our time in Taiwan, he caught a glimpse of what it meant to be part of a Chinese family, how I behaved when I spoke Chinese and every other aspect of living life in a Chinese context. What was confirming for us that our relationship was headed in the right direction was that he saw a whole new part of me he didn't know before but continued to love and embrace that person. My friend Shannon (American), after spending time with her Chinese fiance in his home town, decided she loved him even more.

With all of my cultural identity issues with the complex background I had, there was no better way to begin my marriage than to have the rock solid belief that my husband has seen all sides of me and can love and appreciate who I was in every context. This anchored me through all kinds of cultural issues after we were married - whether I was rebelling against the Americanized aspects of me or feeling depressed over my lack of engagement in Mandarin, and trying to come to terms with all of this in my faith in Christ.

Next up: differing cultural perceptions of husband/wife roles.

Our unique bond #1

2010-10-11T05:25:00.000-07:00

When I think of my marriage I can think of very few books that have helped me. There are no lack of marriage books on the market, it's just that there aren't many who speak to a bicultural girl married to a white guy who felt called to China. You don't find tips for my American girlfriend who lives with her Chinese mother in law on their way to adopting Ethiopian child. Who can give advice to my recently married friends (Chinese/American) who are moving to study in the US? Each marriage is unique. My marriage (and those described above) are very unique.

I'm back from vacation with my in laws and spending time with my American family always disorients me as the stark differences between my upbringing and my husband's are magnified. I found myself pondering, "wow, how did we work?" So here I am, inspired to write and share some thoughts on how we've managed to be married, going on almost ten strong years. Hope it is helpful to some of you out there who may be considering an intercultural marriage. You know who you are.

First of all, I'm a firm believer that culture is all encompassing. I remember intense debates in our Anthropology class about whether faith supersedes culture with absolute truth or is even faith in Christ passed down to us within a particular context. I hold the latter position which leads me to believe every fiber of our being is colored by the culture we are raised in. J, in small town America, and me, well, that's complicated, suffice it to say I am bicultural. The longer J and I have been married, the more we discover those cultural differences surfacing, from managing a household to raising the kids (that's a biggie). Tackling these difference in our marriages have been a beast. Try defending the very core value of what you have always believed to be true to the person you consider the most intimate person in your life. There is much pain in the process, but so much to be gained. To understand your husband more deeply and appreciate the culture which made him the way he is; to turn towards the beauty of your own culture seen in a different light and knowing your children have the privilege of encountering both is the precious gift our amazing Creator gives to us intercultural marrieds.

Stay tuned for the next post: how we prepared for our marriage.

Prayer

2010-09-24T22:14:00.000-07:00

According to my Kindle, I am 64% in to Philip Yancey's book called "Prayer." But I have to say my satisfaction level is at well over that percentage score - say at 90%. I'm a big fan of Yancey. He opened my eyes to God's grace (What's so Amazing about Grace), he gave me an appreciation for the Old Testament (The Bible Jesus Read), and supplied insight on the problem of pain (Disappointment with God). He is one of the most prolific writers among Evangelical circles, and I admire him because of the honesty in his writings and his deep compassion for marginalized peoples (he speaks often on behalf of his gay friends and his experiences with Dr. Brand who is a surgeon for leprosy patients in Nepal and elsewhere). However, anyone who has read some of my previous blog entries and followed a bit of my faith journey will soon realize I have, for a while now, battled Evangelical subculture and some of her main tenants, and so it is with some hesitation that I picked up Yancey's book on Prayer and began reading.

First, let me give a little background as to why I have been dwelling on the subject of prayer. For a long time, years I would say, I have not been having regular quiet times. There, I said it. If I haven't abandoned Evangelicalism by now, at this proclamation I'm sure Evangelicalism will have abandoned me. Part of the reason is because I started having children, whom, if you're not familiar, are little human beings who demand your attention/resources/energy 24/7, and the Q in QT is a bit of an elusive concept for a new mother. But the bigger part of the reason is most likely the earlier reference to my rebellion against Ev. subculture, a dare, if you will, to see if I dropped QT's if I will still be able to live and thrive with vibrant faith in our Lord Jesus, who is so much bigger than the constructs of Christian subculture. Along with QT's, I also questioned prayer. The buzz word us post-Evangelicals, progressives, Christian hipsters, whatever the heck we're called, love to use is "authenticity." I want to pray what I honestly think and believe. So explain to me how a prayer that goes like this: "God I pray for my beloved friend's cancer to go away, but your will be done" doesn't sound like the most empty, holier-than-thou-by-copying Jesus' words, INauthentic prayer ever?! What I want to say is "God, I want my friend's cancer to go away, I know You desire healing and wholeness, and yet I know as I speak, there's a 95-100% chance my friend will die in three months of this cancer." Now that's the truth.

And so it is with these issues that I decided to crack open Yancey's book, hoping to shed some light on these contentions with prayer. Part one bored me and had me entertaining the thought of writing a book "Disappointment with Yancey". It was all about prayer being central to our relationship with God and it is through coming to God that we realign our perspectives with God's perspectives. Sounds good, except for I've heard it all before many many times, and I have some serious issues with the implications of, quote Yancey at location 477, "Prayer is the act of seeing reality from God's point of view." Horrible things have happened because Christians have gone to prayer and decided reality from God's POV. I get what you're trying to say, I disagree with it, let's move on.

Ah, part two was much more interesting, confronting questions of what difference does prayer make, does prayer change God, etc. I really enjoyed this as it addresses some of the issues I had and I came away encouraged and hopeful. Some of the main points that I resonated with are as follows:

- for some reason we can't fathom (well, love), God chose to work in partnership with us. We see this all over Scripture and history, He chose to choose a people, a nation, through whom to bless the world. In prayer, we acknowledge and engage in the partnership to bring forth His kingdom in this world.

- in prayer, whether it's praise and adoration, weeping and chest thumping in pain or a myriad of other expressions, we both change God and ourselves. And God knows I need to be changed, so much for the better, thus prayer is a worthy enterprise - to be shaped into a person of holy character for use in His Kingdom. See, isn't this getting so much more interesting?

- "we gotta pray with our lips and we gotta pray with our legs", okay that's not a direct quote from Yancey, but my paraphrase (I'm sure I got it from some other famous person.) In this section he speaks of prayers leading to social activism, loving our enemies, and caring for our environment (er, my husband said that last one, not Yancey, but it's a good addition).

- we all know about answered prayers and unanswered prayers. And we also know the pat answers given: sometimes it's not the right time, God knows better than we do, etc. etc. But one thing is for certain, despite the outcome of our prayers, God can redeem even the most horrific circumstances, and much of that redemption comes because we pray. I may have never witnessed a supernatural healing, but I have witnessed account after account of supernatural response from godly men and women. Most poignant example in my own life has been seeing my friends lose their baby and come through that experience continuing to serve in faithfulness on the mission field. Amazing.

The climax of the book undoubtedly came at the chapter called "Prayer and Physical Healing." I recommend this chapter to anyone who doesn't want to read the whole book if you have questions/doubts about this issue as I do. The big shocker to me was that he actually quoted Dr. Paul Brand (mentioned earlier as surgeon for leprosy patients in developing countries) this: "From my own experience as a physician I must truthfully admit that, among the thousands of patients I have treated, I have never observed an unequivocal instance of intervention in the physical realm. Many were prayed for, many found healing, but not in ways that counteracted the laws governing anatomy. No case I have treated personally would meet the rigorous criteria for a supernatural miracle." Jaw drop. An Evangelical Christian writer writing about prayer and healing, openly quoting and admitting they have never seen or experienced a supernatural healing. Yay for me, I'm not the only one!

He goes on to say, instances of supernatural healing occurs much more frequently in the developing world (though note Dr. Brand worked in developing worlds.) Basically, the trouble with God is He doesn't play by our rules. He says He wants us to pray for healing but He heals so haphazardly (from our perspective) and frankly very very rarely. Instead of being discouraged by this, I am so pleased that Yancey dealt with this so honestly and stuck to his journalistic integrity by reporting the facts despite it being not so glamorous for God. I am also thankful that Yancey encourages his readers to not perpetuate a sick person's pain by falsely giving them hope of supernatural healing. We've all heard horror stories (starting with Job's friends) of Christians who counsel their sick friends to simply have more faith...and they will be healed.

So again, why, then, do we pray (for healing)? First, because I still believe in a God of miracles. I believe my God made a miracle when He created my inner ear to maintain a sense of balance, I truly marvel at that act of design and creation. I believe He made a miracle when he gave my body the ability to self-heal. I believe He made a miracle to give humans the ability to think and research and create healing methods and drugs. So I appeal to this God of miracles to utilize all of the above resources to heal my dizziness. Second, Yancey writes of another doctor, Dr. Vernon Grounds, who in his ninety years of life has never observed an undeniable miracle of physical healing, prays daily with fervent hope for a friend with an untreatable kidney condition. Faith, Hope, and Love is why I will choose to continue to pray for myself and friends who are sick. Faith in that God of miracles, Hope that His promises of health and wholeness in the future will be ushered in because of the work of Jesus, and Love for all the people God has placed on my heart will continue to drive me to my knees.

I've got 36% more to go in the book.

Saying Goodbye

2010-08-14T22:43:00.000-07:00

My brother Aidan recently said goodbye to some dear friends inspiring this blog post. I am no stranger to saying goodbyes. I had to say goodbye to my family when I went thousands of miles away for college. Then we said goodbye to family/friends to move to China. Then we said goodbye to friends of 6 years in China and moved to Taiwan. And we live in expat communities where people come and go frequently and they leave a hole in your heart each time they go.

At first, I thought because of the choices we've made to travel and move internationally, we are "experts" on saying goodbye. But I am beginning to realize even people who settle in one place have to say goodbye more frequently now because it is the mark of our generation in this increasingly global world. No longer does one stay near the city they grew up in, find a job, and retire there. Most people move for various opportunities and it is no longer a novelty to move internationally.

When we lived in China, people/families will literally come stay for one or two years and then leave. And in an expat community, your friends are more than your friends, they are like family. They are the people you celebrate holidays with, they are the ones who love your kids when grandparents are far away, they are like family. And when they move away it hurts like hell. As mentioned before, this happens a lot in an expat community and a human heart can only take so much pummeling. Some of us cope by toughening up, tears no longer flow at farewell parties because farewell parties are annual events. Some cope by not getting involved in deep relationships because you know they will leave and you want to keep your heart intact. Some plow through and dive right into every relationship, giving oneself fully, and allow the pain to seep through you completely when the goodbye rolls around.

I think to a certain degree we use a bit of all three coping mechanism in our lives, depending also on the relationship with various people. No one likes goodbyes but it is a reality for most of us in this age. We wade through the stages of grief with each goodbye, and then we sit and watch God surprise us with the fruit of each friendship we parted with. We receive letters (alright emails/facebook messages/skype) from far away friends and share in the joy of what God is doing in their lives in their corner of the world. We remember each memory of shared times and how it changed the very fabric of who we are so we can better bless those who are around us. And sometimes, when we are very lucky, they reenter our lives because our world is so small.

One time, an expat friend was only in our community for a short time before they were leaving. He told us their plans and said, "don't stop hanging out with us because we're leaving..." I will tag you in this blog post and you probably don't even remember saying that to us, but we didn't stop hanging out with you and we had a very short time with your family, but we don't regret it for one bit! (it was Tim Maxson. :) )

Lessons Learned

2010-07-24T21:51:00.001-07:00

You know how Christians like to find something good in really bad situations? It's the whole beauty for ashes, redemption dealio that our Bible happens to talk about. Example: if a loved one dies, well PTL because his/her life beautifully displayed at the memorial service will lead many to Christ. Yes, there are moments when I'd like to throttle people when life becomes sucky for them and they keep PTLing and say: "It's okay to say life SUCKS right now!!!!" Thankfully, those are just brief fleeting moments, and for the most part I believe Jesus is about redemption and with Him, even the worst situations somehow find hope and goodness because of who He is and what His community of believers stand for.

Well, my life is a bit sucky right now. For the past 2-3 weeks I've contracted a to-be-determined condition that leaves me dealing with crazy dizzy spells. I've been walking around without a sense of balance, sort of like floating in zero-gravity space. Or other times when the spells hit, I feel like I've been slammed to the ground even though reality says I am perfectly upright. It has debilitated me and it takes me extra effort to do everything I normally do, leaving me exhausted at the end of every day.

Having been a Christian and been around other Christians most of my life, I've been programmed so the Life-Sucks-Learn-Lesson mechanism kicks in at the first sign of trouble. So here are my lessons learned (or in the process of being learned):

1. Thankful. For an amazing God who has created our inner ear so delicately and beautifully so that we can walk around with a sense of balance. Hoping for restoration to said beautiful creation soon so I can feel like I'm walking upright again.

2. Thankful. For where we are at in Taiwan where we can get fairly decent healthcare and tests done at very low cost.

3. Compassion. Because of my condition I've searched all over the web for others who may suffer the same fate as I, and have discovered a whole host of people who live with this chronically. Hoping I do not join that crowd, but at the same time, I have such deep compassion for them as I actually know a taste of how it feels.

4. Grace. For myself as I seem to believe it is somehow my fault that this happened. Sounds so silly when I say it out loud but when one can no longer do some of the everyday tasks that hold up one's family (cook, chores, shuttling children places, etc.), it is tempting to place blame on myself.

5. Trust. Modern medicine is still limited, and I don't know if the doctors can actually help me. I know God has the power to heal me but He might not. Or He might not heal me as quickly as I'd like Him to. But I gotta learn to trust that whatever happens, I still need to live my life faithfully (i.e. stop moaning about how miserable I feel and develop a more joyful attitude).

6. Justice. I am sick. But not as sick as many many others, whether with dizziness or other life debilitating disorders. I feel helpless. But not as helpless as billions of people mired in poverty who has no access to healthcare. I pray for wholeness so I can continue to do whatever small part to fighting for these injustices in our world.

If you happen to read this note, I'd appreciate some prayers. Thanks.

Mommy Brain

2010-07-09T03:54:00.000-07:00

A while back someone read my blog and made the comment "you have some very thoughtful posts considering you are a Mommy of two!" A very nice compliment I smiled weakly and received but tried hard to find offense.

As if the act of birthing automatically destines us to brain shrinkage down to minimal capacity in which to retain essential survival mind numbing routine childcare tasks.

As if my ability to think critically, reason logically, reflect passionately, went out the window the moment the the umbilical cord was severed.

As if it is simply untenable that a woman could take on the responsibility of raising children as well as explore and engage in issues confronting our world.

As if.

Well friends, summer vacation is in full session, both the kids are home all day, and it may have come down to this: I've again contracted Mommy-brain-itis, the condition that surfaces from conception, comes and goes (more often the former) and tends to be especially crippling when the time exposure of your children are high. Example: NOW.

In my defense, and I always have one, I have very good intentions. I've got a wish list a mile long on my Amazon Kindle cart. I've been struggling to finish my current books. It's just that by the end of the work-cook-swimming class-errands-husband time-dinner-bath-story-prayer-catch up on emails day, a stimulating read sounds as desirable as a steaming cup of hot tea offered on a high temperature high humidity day. At noon. (Incidentally, this happens quite often as Chinese people believe sweating helps you stay cool.) The point is, I just wanna vegge (how do you spell this word?) and refuse to read anything longer than facebook status updates (What? Some people post Scriptures!)

I know this is normal. I have parenting heroes in my life, like those missionaries whose prayer letters I read who travel to remote parts of our world with newborn twins and literally rescue villagers and unreached peoples from life and death situations. Or the high power CEO's with three kids who are like, three years younger than me. Or my old professor at Fuller who have a beautiful family at the same time so damn smart and whose teachings still impact me to this day. But you know, those people belong in a different category - the ultra parenting set. I'm just a regular economy class Mom and I know most of my Mom friends are there with me (yeah, you know who you are, the ones who have nodded along this post so far).

I miss my brain. It wasn't that big to begin with, but now it is abysmally shrunken. And I envy my friends who have time to read and think and engage critically on facebook, in their blogs, and oh yeah, real life. I desperately want my children to have a Mom who teaches them how to live faithfully in this world, and not one who, in all honesty, "sometimes" shortens bedtime prayers so I can go shower.

But alas it looks as if Mommy Brain-itis may leave permanent damage, and kids can be raised by carefully screened, family friendly, wholesome facebook status updates nuggets of wisdom, right?

Kingdom Language

2010-05-26T06:11:00.000-07:00

Do you ever wonder what language we'll be speaking on that Day when we are resurrected with the rest of God's people?

In my last blog post I wrote about the tensions and joys of being a Bilingual. Some multilinguals describe their most dominant language as their "heart language". It's an apt description as it expresses the form taken by what most naturally gushes out of one's heart. It's the language you gravitate to when you are angry, or frustrated, or tired, or the language you use to share the most vulnerable part of who you are.

My heart language was Chinese, as it was the only language I knew until the age of 10. At the age of 12, God, in His grace and mercy, took a hold of my heart and has held it ever since. I was a missionary convert. Missionaries came to Taiwan and shared the gospel with me in Taiwan. My first Bible Study and my first Christian community were all based in English, my second language. I was also schooled in English and my worldview began to form in this Christian, English environment. The soil upon which my faith took root was English soil and the water that nourished that young believer was the western context. I could no longer integrate my "heart language" and my Chinese-ness into my new faith and the only way to cope with that was to split my life into two: the old Chinese, unsaved me, and the new, born-again, English-speaking me.

But I understand things now that I could not have understood as a teenager and a new believer. And what I know, is how God had called me to be His child in His Family that stretches across ethnicities, gender, cultures, and language. And that He shaped me in my Chinese mother's womb and gave me a Chinese family to be steward over my formative years. When I became a part of this big Family, I was not to lose my Chinese-ness, but that He had come to make my Chinese-ness even more fully Chinese. Surely this is why when I sing Chinese praise songs my heart feels so full. Because God, in His grace and mercy, took a hold of my heart-language and culture, and affirms it by saying listen. Listen to your Chinese brother, or sister, create these beautiful lyrics so you can worship Me with all of who I've created you to be.

It rocks to be part of God's Big Family.

On Being Bilingual

2010-05-03T01:44:00.000-07:00

I am bilingual.

Technically I am bi-and-a-half-lingual, because I also comprehend Taiwanese and speak minimally. I'm not really that smart and I'm not especially gifted with languages (trust me, two years of high school French and I can barely count to 10 proves the point). However, various factors and circumstances during my growing up years combined to produce the perfect breeding ground for the bilingual me. Born and raised into a Taiwanese family where Mandarin/Taiwanese were both spoken, I had a solid base of those two languages and learned to read Chinese characters before I started school. Learned English at 10 in total immersion environment in Australia, I made the cutoff age for children's amazing capacity to learn a second language with a native accent. Then I finished the rest of my school years in an English based International school in a Chinese community.

I am blessed, I know this. Being bilingual has given me opportunities and insight into culture and worldview that I would otherwise not have access to. But existing in this privileged exclusive state can sometimes be lonely. Well meaning Chinese acquaintances and friends compliment my Chinese language ability when what I hear them saying is: "your Chinese is really good...for a foreigner." Americans assume, due to my near Native accent, that I am Asian American, which of course neglects my entire growing up years in Taiwan. While most people applaud my chameleon like ability to blend into the culture/language of the group I am with, what they don't see is a pathetic, desperate longing to be "one of them".

Along with the privilege of being bilingual comes choices in all areas of life. What do I do for entertainment? I could turn on the TV and watch Taiwanese variety shows or news, or I could put in an episode of Lost. What do I do as a Mom? I could demand strict authority and Chinese expectations of manners, or I could emphasize having fun as Western Moms would choose. So many of these choices are conscious but I realize much much more are subconscious. At the beginning of my marriage I would sleep-talk in Chinese because that part of who I was stowed away in my subconscious while I dated and married my American husband.

The further along I go in my life journey as a third culture person, the more I am able to integrate these different parts of myself into a whole person. It's sort of like two melodies working to sync into a harmony. When I am in harmony, I thrive in my bilingual/bicultural-ness. I serve in translation, I help others shed light into a culture which is foreign to them, I help bring diversity into my community. And then there are moments of discord, when the harmony sounds more like my actual ability to harmonize: terribly off-key. Those are the moments when I feel the pangs of loneliness, the spiral of confusion that I feel sucked into, and the irrational and immature desire to just be a normal monocultural person.

Okay, now I'm going to switch into my Chinese pragmatic mode and say: "stop thinking so much and go do the dishes."

Reflections on Easter '10

2010-04-04T00:14:00.000-07:00

This morning, I read my post from Easter last year , and feel Easter is SUCH an important event for the world, for myself, and for my family, that I should make it an annual event to record my thoughts each year. So here are reflections for Easter '10.

This year I have been thinking even more deeply about the Resurrection, and how our view of our life after death shapes our lives and our mission today. Most of all my thoughts have stemmed from NT Wright's teachings in Surprised by Hope. So throughout the year I have been thinking of how as a family we can make Easter a central part of our Christian celebrations. Christmas easily steals the highlight with the kids for obvious reasons (presents!) and we've decided to not radically change that tradition because we want the kids to enjoy memories of anticipation and "magic" of Christmas. However, we cannot let Easter pass without stressing enough to the kids the importance of the Resurrection of Christ.

Unfortunately, this year because our lives have changed so dramatically with moving from China and being in a new environment (again) we haven't been able to do justice to the Lenten period. But what has been a dominant theme in my head as I've thought about Easter is that Jesus' resurrection gives us hope for change. If God could raise Jesus from the dead, it means He has given POWER to all the teachings of Jesus. Which means we can HOPE to love, to do justice, to love mercy, to forgive our enemies, to care for neighbors AND strangers. So this morning, this is what we told the children over breakfast. We are obviously not a perfect family, but today on Easter day, we are reminded of the hope that we can be different tomorrow, we can change for the better, we can make this world a better place. So we decided that we would go online and sponsor a child from World Vision, in the hope of helping another child have a chance at health, education, and opportunities just as our children get to have. Our hope is every year at Easter we can "celebrate" by making a decision to bring about change so that the Resurrection is lived out through our practical lives.

This year for my birthday I helped raise funds for women who have suffered gender violence in Congo. And today, I thought about how Easter gives some parts of the world a reason to celebrate, to have Egg hunts, to eat a big meal, none of which is bad, but it is mind-blowing to imagine what Easter must mean to the women who have no reason to hope, who have trouble even urinating because they've been raped violently, whose lives are shattered in every way, that Christ came for them and when He was raised God promised JUSTICE and COMPASSION and DELIVERANCE for them. It is good news indeed for the most poor and destitute. I am thankful I serve such a Risen Lord.

Um...I want the Presents

2010-02-05T03:12:00.001-08:00

If you don't know already, I'm partnering with One Days Wages to raise funds for women who have been raped because of the longstanding civil war in Congo. The idea behind the campaign is to celebrate my birthday by asking friends and family to donate to the cause.

One night before bed, I talked to Lizzy (7) about it and explained that Mommy was asking people to give to these needy women instead of presents for my birthday, and I suggested maybe someday she could do that as well. At this point, she clarified that if she did that she would NOT be receiving any presents, is that right? I said yes, that's right. It didn't take her long to quickly exclaim "I want the presents!" which made me LOL.

Yes, I do hope for both my children they would grow up to be compassionate, generous givers, and let's face it: obviously Lizzy is not quite there yet. And this whole birthday-for-a-cause thing is not to guilt trip anybody. Although if giving up the new tenth pair of jeans to give to a women who have been gang raped and abandoned by community makes anyone feel guilty then I'm not gonna fuss about it. The point is that giving makes a DIFFERENCE in this world in the lives of these women. Giving is cool, hip, fun, feels-good, obedient to God, cares tangibly for the poor/marginalized, it's a FANTASTIC way to celebrate a birthday. And if anyone doubts it, you should've seen my face when I saw that someone donated $200 to my birthday cause today. THAT gave me a HAPPY birthday. :) :) :)

Crap Happens

2010-02-02T04:14:00.000-08:00

What kind of crap? Well, when a 9 year old girl named Chance risks everything to tell the story of how her parents were killed in front of her, her aunt gang raped by soldiers, and how one raped her. You can see her in the video here:

I've already ranted on the problem of pain in my last post so that's not what this post is about. This one is about finding hope. When I see the face of that little nine year old, I see the horrific violence done to her but I also see how beautiful and strong she and her aunt are to share their story with all of us. In the most recent tragedy in Haiti, accounts of Haitians risking their lives to help each other and international aid pouring in are the beauty found among the ashes. In a world where one sixth of our population live in extreme poverty, we see grass organizations like One Day's Wages working hard to bring change.

So it seems no matter how much theologizing, evangelizing, and politicizing we do, crap happens. But there is also much hope and light to be found in the midst of darkness. And though we cannot control terrible things happening in our world, we can make choices in our response. For my birthday this year, I'd like to respond by trying to make a small difference in the lives of women and children like Chance who experience war and gender violence. Please consider joining me in praying, donating, and sharing this cause so their voices can be heard.

Ah...the Problem of Pain

2010-01-14T22:38:00.000-08:00

Tragedy has struck again. The earthquake that has instantly destroyed thousands of lives in Haiti not only shook up the world geologically, but shakes the foundations of those with solid faith. Because we have such a hard time answering the question that stares us down in the face of massive suffering: Why would God allow it to happen?

Last night, I explained to my six year old daughter why we needed to pray for the people of Haiti. Haiti is a country far away from us, but there are people there who have lost their homes, families, and their lives because a big earthquake happened. (Lizzy experienced her first big earthquake just a couple weeks ago here in our building) She then proceeded to ask me, "then why didn't God stop the earthquake?"

The best answer to that question that could come from me is "I don't know." All the answers I've ever read from theologians and Christian thinkers only satisfy to a certain level and breaks down after that. But I will hold on to what I DO know, that despite what it appears, God is still a good and loving God. He cares for the most neglected peoples (and certainly the impoverished country of Haiti qualifies), He cares for the suffering and the grieving, and His mission for us as His community of believers is to reach out and rescue. My prayers for Haiti are that their deep and unfathomable pain will bring attention to the world to stop neglecting their poverty; that the aid will continue after the initial emergency rescue; that there will be a commitment from the richer nations to help lift the nation out of poverty, and through these efforts there may be redemption not only for Haiti but for all of us who have chosen to not ignore the cry of those who suffer.

The One campaign, www.one.org offers lots of good resources so we can pray informed prayers, give to trustworthy orgs working on the ground in Haiti (my personal pitch for One Days Wages' Haiti Emergency Relief Fund, www.onedayswages.org), and how to act through appealing to the government to commit to helping Haiti.

Christians and their attacks on Christmas

2009-12-16T20:29:00.000-08:00

I'm fascinated by all these news of Christians attacking Christmas (who would've thought googling Christians, Attack, Christmas, would turn out with so many results!)

There's one camp of Christians, led by orgs like Focus on the Family, who stage campaigns and rail against the secular commercial industry for taking the Christ out of Christmas. These guys don't like how stores try to be PC and use slogans such as "Happy Holidays" instead of making Christmas a celebration focused on the birth of Jesus. They put up billboards with signs that say, "I miss you saying - Merry Christmas. Jesus." Or they rate various stores on how "Christ-friendly" they are on the basis of how they market their products.

Another camp of Christians says to the previous group, "Seriously? Seriously? You're gonna take issue over whether stores say Merry Christmas while going on spending sprees with no regard for the poor, sick, and hungry? You think Jesus cares about holiday slogans more than He cares about justice?" These guys campaign against widespread consumerism during the Christmas season and encourage everyone to spend less, give more to charities, and buy gifts from companies who take social and environmental responsibilities seriously.

Then there are those of us (and I say us because this was my context for the past 6 years) who celebrate Christmas overseas and are safely distanced from the marketing tactics of retailers in America. We live in a place where Christianity has not largely influenced recent history and tradition, and thus Christmas is superficially celebrated with some cheesy music and decorations and young people exchanging gifts. It's sort of like Valentine's Day with red and green. These guys celebrate Christmas by claiming this window as a precious opportunity to share the gospel in a context where precious few have heard of what Jesus is all about. These guys spend the bulk of the Season working on various evangelistic outreach events.

I actually park my feet pretty firmly in camp number two. Camp number one confounds me a little bit. Why would we expect non believers to care about celebrating Christmas? Retailers are trying to make a profit and if being PC gets more customers buying, then of course they are going to chant Happy Holidays. Camp number three is exhausting and I often doubt its effectiveness. I believe we need to share the gospel through a tradition that is meaningful and relevant to the host culture instead of forcing a very western Christmas on them and then trying to share the message of the gospel through that. That is an outdated missionary model, I believe. Christmas celebrates the birth of Christ who came to bring us salvation. I believe it is a salvation which delivers those of us who are held bondage to our consumer oriented society AND a salvation who delivers the poor, neglected, oppressed, marginalized. So it is quite appropriate to celebrate Christmas by spending less and giving more.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no saint. We definitely have a very large tree set up with presents under the tree for our kids. I do see the value of creating a sense of wonder and excitement for my children who are only children for a short time. They deserve to imagine santa and eagerly anticipate what's wrapped underneath the tree. I just hope at the same time we can work towards giving more children around the world the opportunity to be the children they deserve to be instead of being worried about hunger, disease, violence, being orphaned, or risk of being trafficked.

However, if there was a camp (and if there isn't one, I guess I'll invent one) of Christians who see a need to decrease Christmas and increase Easter, I would stand in line to sign up. Like N.T. Wright says in "Surprised by Hope", if we lose Christmas we lose a couple of chapters in the gospels. If we lose Easter, we lose the entire New Testament! Easter is our Day of Celebration! Easter is when we need to hoot and holler, pause and meditate, adjust our year's resolutions to match up with the MEANING of Jesus being risen. Maybe more Christians ought to channel our passion against various issues during Christmas into uplifting the celebration of Easter.

Half the Sky

2009-11-09T05:35:00.000-08:00

I just finished the book Half the Sky by Nicholas Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn. It was filled with gut wrenching stories of the suffering women endure, particularly in developing worlds. From rape victims to those sold into brothels to fistula patients, I often had to put down the book and just take a deep breath before moving on. At the same time, the authors highlighted amazing stories of women who have risen above their plight and, given the right aid and help, changed their own lives and the lives of countless other women. The hope is the book would inspire a movement to change the realities these women endure. They liken the oppression of women to slavery, and how we look back now and are appalled at the inaction of those who saw slavery simply as the way things were, in the same way, years from now people will look back and be appalled at our inaction on behalf of these women. The plight of women, the authors claim, is the biggest humanitarian challenge of our time.

Now that I've read this book, I am without excuse. I have been educated and been made aware. If I put the book down and move on with life, I will be counted among those future generations are appalled at. And I will be made accountable at the day I meet the Lord, the One who says, "whatever you did to the least of these, you did for me." I believe there IS such a thing as the sin of omission.

But what can I do? What can one measly little Cindy Brandt do to change lives? Not much, I know. But I am so beyond saying "I'm too overwhelmed" and throwing in the towel. I want to do something that will utilize the limited amount of gifts and resources at my disposal and produce the maximum amount of change. Still praying over that one...

Read the book so you can be without excuse too! :)

What I want to be when I grow up

2009-11-04T21:46:00.000-08:00

Don't you just LOVE old people? I mean, the sight of an older Chinese couple strolling down Love River holding hands can just brighten one's day. A friend posted on their FB status about being cuted out by two old men in a bookstore talking about how they could spend all day in there. And how cute are the older couple who are learning English along with all the college students in Jason's class? It got me thinking about the kind of old person I'd like to become.

I want to be an old person who keeps up with the times and is not willing to CHANGE. I love how facebook is being used by the older generations. It's so neat that older people can be engaged with social media, get on youtube, and exchange wall posts with their grandkids. Just think what the technology advances will be like when I'm 60+ years old? Whatever it'll be like, I hope I can embrace and engage in that world.

Along the same lines, I want to keep learning. A Chinese saying "huo dao lao, xue dao lao", translated as "learn as long as you live", exudes deep Chinese wisdom. My great uncle got a PhD when he was in his 70s. What an inspiration! When I'm old, I'd love to go back to school, or engage in learning through other avenues. I echo the prayer for myself which I pray with Lizzy each school night, "God, help Lizzy to learn lots of new things about Your world."

I hope to be engaged in active ministry. My family obligations at this season of my life prevents me from being fully engaged in active ministry. I hope to become more active when I enter that different season. Hopefully, by then, I'll have accumulated some sort of skill/experience/wisdom that I can impart and contribute to building the Kingdom of God.

I am plotting some sort of deal with God that at the end of my days He can take both Jason and I at the same time so that I would not have to spend even ONE day in my old age without him. You think He'll sign on that?

Of course, there are tons of other things I'd like to be when I'm old: healthy, some grandbabies to hold, have lots of disposable income to travel the world, etc. But I don't feel like those are things I can control as much so I won't go into detail about those.

Blue Sweater

2009-10-14T20:41:00.001-07:00

Just finished the book The Blue Sweater by Jacqueline Novogratz. Because we have decided to invest both finances and heart towards an organization fighting global poverty (one days wages), I've been trying to read up on the subject. I enjoyed this one although some parts were hard to get through. Here are some of my reflection thoughts:

1) Cross cultural sensitivity: As a westerner going into various developing countries,she had little training on how to view things from a cross cultural perspective. She talks about some hard lessons she had to learn because of her ethnocentric perspective, the western tendency to see a problem and fix it. In the end, because of her can do attitude and strong personality, she was able to accomplish the task of lifting many out of poverty. However, I believe it is still vitally important to learn how to work with people of another culture with deep humility and willingness to learn.

2) I've read a few books by humanitarians who have done amazing things for the "least of these" of our world, and each time I struggle with what motivates these humanitarians when their faith does not lie in Jesus Christ. For me, a desire to help the poor/oppressed stems solely from my belief that the gospel Jesus brings is salvation for the marginalized, forgotten peoples of the world. Reading about non believers who have put more heart and work into these types of work than myself and other Christians both humbles and puzzles me. Despite that, I still rejoice these people exist and no matter what their motivation, I am grateful their work contributes to the Kingdom of God here on earth.

3) The story of the Rwandan woman recounted in this book was absolutely heart wrenching. The way her Christian faith pulls her through some of the toughest circumstances a woman can go through, and how Christ's power of forgiveness shines through her attitude towards the perpetrators of extreme violence done to her family is mind blowing and life changing. I'd recommend this book for this story alone.

4) I was very intrigued by the concept of running a non profit humanitarian organization as a business model. She invites people to donate money but uses the idea that we don't invest for monetary profit, but we invest for change. It's not uncommon to see aid agencies and government programs to help the poor go awry because of inefficient management, unprofessional human resources, and lack of attention to the real needs in a community. I think her organization Acumen Fund maybe a good model of the changes necessary in the non profit sector.

Anyway, here is a copy/paste of an editorial review pulled from Amazon:

Acumen Fund founder Novogratz blends two narratives in this memoir about her years fighting global poverty. In one thread, she recounts her early experiences in Africa developing microfinance organizations to assist women. Many of her reminiscences focus on relationships with the local women in government who were key to her success as well as the personal trials she encountered matching her Western vision with their ideas about the future. She also writes about later work in India and Pakistan. The other thread focuses on her return to Rwanda after the genocide. Although her inside view of global poverty initiatives and politics at the most basic level makes for interesting reading, her personal story intrudes in a manner that some readers may find self-serving. Her reflections on the genocide also detract from the economic discussion in India and Pakistan, rendering the book more Rwanda-centric (and thus more political) than she may have intended. In the end, Novogratz does provide enough information on microfinance to make readers curious to learn more. --Colleen Mondor

"Mommy, I want to die."

2009-09-30T19:10:00.000-07:00

Quoted from my six year old daughter. With a bit of depression in our family history, I anxiously asked her why? Her answer: "because when I die, I can go to heaven!"

I'm not quite sure what her ideas of heaven are, but probably some version of a Disney-like fairyland. Already at six years old, she is being exposed to Christian theology, from books, from her Christian school, and from us. Somehow, her experiences are shaping her ideas of what heaven is and that it is a place where she longs to go after she dies. This is revealing of the popular Christian thought that heaven is a place, a happy place, that one goes after death. When loved ones die, we tell our kids they've gone to heaven as a way of comforting them (and ourselves). What I'm concerned about is that then limits our Christian hope to that life after death. And in simple six year old logic, the natural response to this theology is to "want to die."

Here's what I said, in a feeble attempt to guide her into the type of thinking Jason and I have come to adopt, that Heaven is here right where we are. It is already here! Each time she shows that she loves her brother (we are heavily indoctrinating her on this issue, as the daily fights are really getting to me), respects her parents and teachers, forgives a friend, that is where we can see a little bit of heaven. And Heaven is wherever those sorts of things happen: when someone is lifted out of poverty or oppression, when peace and reconciliation occurs between relationships, whenever love is demonstrated in acts of kindness, words of encouragement. It's not just about us and where we go after we die, it's about God doing His work, bringing His world to us. I think this will take her a while to comprehend because I hear six year olds are developmentally egocentric.

If anyone knows of good Christian books for kids, I'd love to get some recommendations to help supplement our child rearing.

What our days are like

2009-09-17T02:03:00.000-07:00

I just got an email from a supporter asking us exactly what we are doing in Taiwan. I realize perhaps we haven't been very clear in our correspondence (newsletter and blogging). Then I realized perhaps we haven't been very clear because we ourselves haven't been clear. After all, our whole reason for leaving China was to seek the Lord for clearer vision. However, over the past couple of weeks, we have settled into a family routine. Here it is:

7:30-8:30 I drive Lizzy to her school which is a half hour commute by car. :( I sure miss the bus service we had in Tianjin!
8:30-9:00 I drop off Hayden at his new preschool and I head off to work. I now work mornings at my Dad's company. I use the term "work" very loosely as I am not given much responsibility. But that's okay, I learn, I run errands, and I enjoy it.
12:30 - 1:00 I pick Hayden up from preschool and stay home with him in the afternoon. I do chores around the house, I clean, and I make dinner.
4:15 I pick Lizzy up from school (she does ride the school bus home so I don't have to go as far.)
6:00 Family Dinner Time!
8:00 bedtime for the kids.

Jason is now teaching adults English at a chain school in Taiwan called Global Village. He teaches part time and helps with Hayden in the mornings. It's been a challenge for him because for those who know Jason, he doesn't like to be center of attention and being a teacher requires him to be.

We also hope to be involved in ministry. There are some opportunities for us that we are praying about and will update everyone as they become concrete.

It's always somebody's Lizzy or Hayden

2009-09-13T02:51:00.001-07:00

I read this story on NPR today:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=112727679

And it really resonated with me. Every mother can probably relate to this: after giving birth to children, all the news stories, victims of tragedies that involve children, hits harder on the heart. When we experience the immense love we have for our kids, we can also imagine the deep pain of losing them. The names of those victims become somebody's Lizzy or Hayden.

I have obviously not been a war reporter. However, I have seen children in families/communities steeped in poverty. I can remember the faces of little nepali children playing in the hills when they should've been able to go to school. I think about the ladies who give me facials in China who tell me stories of being sent away from home as teenagers to work to earn a living. I see the migrant workers selling things on the streets and their children playing near the bustling traffic. I've always been an empathetic person, but after giving birth, it's almost become unbearable to hear sad stories that involve children, because it's always somebody's Lizzy or Hayden.

But at the same time, it gives me strength and resolve. As a Christian and a mother, I pray we run and not grow weary of the mission of creating opportunities for the Lizzys and Haydens in the world for education, health, freedom.

Hayden's preschool (part 2)

2009-09-03T20:16:00.000-07:00

Went to school with Hayden this morning and observed another cultural difference. I figure I better document all this for all my expat friends who might eventually consider sending their children to Chinese local schools.

I remember last year at Lizzy's International school, they had a Sports Day. There were several activities, potato sacks, relays, ball tosses, etc. the kids participated in. I found it amusing the teachers stressed there were no winners or losers. At the end of the day, everyone got a fun little keychain for the fun day they had.

Chinese society is extremely competitive. Think overpopulation: too many people trying to compete for limited roles and resources. From the very beginning of students' educational career, they are required to face immense competition in order to get ahead. The entire system is built around competition.

This morning, Hayden's school had a relay race. They divided the kids up into two teams. The six year olds did really well and practically finished at the exact same time. The teacher announced, "that was really close, but there is still a winning team and a losing team. Victory to the yellow team!" The kids on the yellow team all jumped up and down and waved their V signs. Amazing how they are already instilling the concept of competition into these little ones. I was amazed at how none of the green team members pouted or threw tantrums, they just accepted being on the losing team.

Hmmm...is that why my American husband is always telling me: "Cindy, it's not a competition."

Hayden's Preschool

2009-09-01T23:36:00.000-07:00

It's deja vu. Three years ago, we sent Lizzy to Chinese preschool in Tianjin. It was a completely local, Montessori preschool just like the one Hayden is going to now. At that time, our plan was to send Lizzy straight through the local system until perhaps 2 or 3rd grade so she can have a solid foundation in Chinese. However, after two years of observing her and sensing how she is not thriving, we pulled her out and sent her to the International school. Now, with Hayden going to a local preschool, I'm sensing similar struggles and challenges we faced with Lizzy.

The main issue is of course, culture. From the core worldview to the physical manifestation in the material world, Chinese culture is different from the West. This is not a subject I can even graze on in my simple blog post, but to present some of my observations from the experiences of my English speaking son (and daughter) going to a local Chinese preschool.

1) The authority of the teacher. In the West, teachers and educators work closely with parents as a "supplement" to the education and general well being of a child. Here, teachers are given much higher authority and role in a child's life. Many of the children are in school many more hours than they are at home. Many Chinese adults testify to the immense role (be it positive or negative) teachers have played in their lives as students. Students are expected to respect the authority of a teacher. Parents are also expected to respect the authority of the teacher as the "expert" in their child's life.

As always, when observing cultural differences, it's best to remember: it's not right, it's not wrong, it's just different.

But it creates conflict and tension when two cultures rub up against one another. I, with my western education (and let's face it, one who struggles a bit with respecting authority), don't respond well with having the teachers tell me what is best for my child.

2) Individual verses corporate nature. From a very young age, western little kids are encouraged to be little individuals, entitled to their own opinions and expressions of creativity. This manifests in the way kids are encouraged to make choices from everything including what color underwear they want to wear to the methods they want to go about creating a craft project. Chinese little kids are taught and encouraged to behave and act like others in the community. Children are expected to wear similar clothing, and perform activities exactly as they are taught.

When Hayden was introduced to an activity which involved clipping clothespins to a basket that had tapes specifying where to place the pins, he picked it up right away. At first, he placed the clothespins where it was marked. But then he started to explore and place it in different places, and then he started clipping them with each other. From my western educational perspective, I believed it was good for him to explore and try new things. But he was reprimanded by the teacher and told to start over and clip the pins at exactly the places marked for him.

Again, it's not right, it's not wrong, it's just different. It irked me that the teacher reprimanded him for that, but it's not wrong to expect kids to conform to a set of rules and become like their community. In many ways, we want our kids to become like us, especially in our Christian character (whew, that's a scary thing to say!).

3) Use of material resources. Chinese people, in general, are a lot more "frugal" in their stewardship of material resources. From a young age, we are taught to not be wasteful. Before each meal at preschool, the kids pray to thank God, thank the farmers (for growing the rice), and to thank Wang ma ma from the kitchen for making the food. Then, they are expected to completely clean their rice bowls. Wow, what a standard for our very picky Hayden to uphold! He had to eat mouthfuls of his most hated bean sprouts at school lunch today.

4) Language. This is pretty self explanatory. Hayden can understand simple Chinese but normally doesn't ever speak in Chinese. We are hoping he will pick it up quickly, but for now, he's just mute at school. (three years ago, Lizzy was mute for two years before we decided enough was enough) Although the teacher reports to me that when he's frustrated he screams. It's kind of like he has reverted back to toddlerhood before he learned to speak any language, he expresses himself by screaming.

Overall, though, he's done really well. He was happy when I dropped him off at school this morning, and comes home fairly happy. We'll see how it goes.

A quick and fairly boring update

2009-08-31T03:29:00.000-07:00

When we moved out of our home in Tianjin, we felt like we packed and packed and packed and there were still more stuff. This week, we moved into our new place in Kaohsiung, Taiwan, and we unpacked and unpacked and unpacked and still there were more. Conclusion: we have too much stuff. This week has been filled with chores, buying household items, signing up for phone line and internet, fixing the air conditioner, installing shades, etc. All the while, helping Lizzy work through a stomach bug, getting Hayden ready to start preschool for the first time ever, job interviews for Jason, and me trying to stay sane through it all. It's hard to complain because we've been blessed with so much, but transition is rough. Jason and I feel it as we are adjusting to the changes, but we are sensing the children struggling with all the changes as well. The result is we are all a bit more grumpy than we'd like to be.

Some praises this week:

Lizzy's stomach bug has gone away after a trip to the doctors - praise God for universal healthcare in Taiwan!
Jason got a job offer! Not too many hours, but a good start!
Fairly smooth transition into our new apartment.

Please pray for:

Apparently there's a confirmed case of H1N1 virus at Lizzy's school - pray for health for both the children in their new schools.
Continue to pray we settle in and learn the ropes of living here.
We will try to visit a church this Sunday. Pray we find a church family here.

Finally a Local

2009-08-20T06:36:00.000-07:00

I spent about seven years (college and seminary) in America as first an International student, and then an "alien" spouse. (why oh why do they use that word to describe non natives?) Then we relocated to China for five and a half years as definite foreigners. Finally, we've moved to a place where I was born, spent the majority of my growing up years, and where my parents/relatives still reside - Taiwan. When I went out to buy some bubble tea the other day, the bubble tea maker looked me up and down and said, "you're not from around here, are you?" I stared the poor girl back down and stated firmly and indignantly: I am a LOCAL. (wo jiu shi ben di ren) Desperate to finally feel like I belong somewhere, hoping my words consciously spoken in the most colloquial Mandarin accent will help convince this innocent stranger that I really am born and raised in Taiwan.

I looked up the definition of a "Third Culture Kid" on the internet and found this:

Third-culture kids are those who have spent some of their growing up years in a foreign country and experience a sense of not belonging to their passport country when they return to it.

I am a TCK through and through. Although I didn't spend my growing up years in a foreign country, I might as well have since I grew up in a community of expats and was educated in an American school system. I had American teachers and classmates from America, Japan, Taiwan, Europe, India, etc. I've lived in four different countries and speak three languages. I have never been able to adequately answer the question "where are you from?" I have lived with a messed up cultural identity from a very young age. Now I have returned to my "passport country", and am just bracing myself for the kind of cultural impact that will have on myself and my equally global family.

Sorry bubble tea lady, I didn't mean to be rude, I just want to finally be a local again.

Why we recycle...and only want two kids

2009-08-04T10:52:00.000-07:00

Between the two of us, Jason is the bigger treehugger. I'm always a bit uncomfortable when he talks about recycling and how he induces paranoia in our daughter when it comes to leaving lights on in the house. Mainly because I fear being labeled a crazy liberal environmentalist. But our reasons for recycling are really a response to our Christian faith. First, God gave us a beautiful earth and He wanted us to be responsible stewards. Second, God promises to renew this earth; contrary to some current Christian beliefs that God will eradicate every part of our existing world at the end, we believe the efforts we make to preserve our earth today is not in vain. God will not eradicate everything, but renew what is existing for His glory. Therefore, it is for this future hope that we choose to take action to take care of this earth. Third, our lifestyle and the way we live affects others. Especially in our global village, our actions no longer have isolated consequences. I know global climate change is a controversial topic (although becoming less and less disputed), but this is our take on it: Even if it's all a hoax, then what harm have we caused by trying to recycle more, cut back on carbon emissions, creating cleaner air, and developing new sustainable energy resources? However, if it IS true, then our generation stands to be responsible for the disastrous effects climate change will have our children, and our children's children's world. And the effects of climate change will have the most devastating consequences for those most vulnerable in our world, the poor. As worshippers of a God whose heart for the poor is evident throughout Scriptures, we cannot afford to be nonchalant about our actions and its effect on the earth and her climate.

Having said all that, we could do so much more than the little bit of recycling that we do. Jason would love to trade in our car for a Prius (but that's expensive). We could stand to travel less. We could invest more of our finances in alternative energy companies. We pray God continues to convict us in these matters so we are moved to change more than we have.

Related to this issue of preserving our earth: overpopulation is a problem for our earth. And when people ask why we only want two kids, our answer is we don't want to contribute to overpopulation. Most people just laugh at us it sounds so ludicrous, and we laugh back. But in all seriousness we decided on two even before we had the kids and realized two is all we can handle anyway. Having lived in overpopulated China, we've seen firsthand the social problems that arise when there are "tai duo ren le." (too many people)

Family size is a very personal decision and this is the one of the reasons we've limited the growth of our family. But I certainly am not passing judgment on any large families as we personally know of some amazingly beautiful large families.

To sum up: go green!!

Talk around the dinner table

2009-08-02T11:14:00.000-07:00

Food is one of my greatest passions. You know how most people go out to dinner with friends and family, and they just enjoy the conversation along with the food? Well, I enjoy the food along with the conversation. And planning meals out and looking forward to the food takes up a large percentage of my thoughts.

Recently, let's say in the past six and a half years, something(one) has spoiled my fun around the dinner table. Yes, the addition of the responsibility of feeding two little ones. No longer can Jason and I enjoy our food in peace - one or both of the children are usually complaining about something I've made. It makes me so mad and fits of rage are a frequent occurrence around our dinner table. (I'm not proud of it, but just telling it like it is.)

At lunch today, I had another bout of lecturing about how the kids need to be more thankful than they are for their food. In a huff I said to Jason, "these kids really spoil my appetite!"

Few moments later, with quivering lips, Lizzy says to me, "Mommy, if you didn't have children, you wouldn't have anyone to love."

Can you tell I have a sensitive one?

Asking for money

2009-07-30T15:39:00.000-07:00

For the past five and a half years, we've lived on full time support. Meaning, we haven't had an employer paying us to do the work we did in China, but have had family and those in the Church family provide us our living expenses. Living on support is a delicate way of life. Let's face it, it's just awkward to ask people for money. Despite all the good and valid reasons we have of choosing the lifestyle of living on support, in the end, it is still uncomfortable. We'd like to feel independent, and feel like we can spend the money that we "earned" with our sweat and blood.

Of course, if we were in the reverse situation of thinking of supporting those who are working in non profit sectors or ministry, it's a totally different story. We delight in helping others and would wish they wouldn't feel awkward asking us at all.

While I was in China, I was asked by a brother in the Lord to help him raise money for an effort to train other locals in ministry. I came back and it took me a long time to sit in front of the computer and ask people. Why? I guess I just felt like I was ready for a break from asking for money. Finally, I sent out some emails to some of our faithful financial supporters, and was overwhelmed by their generous response.

There are so many needs, so many wonderful people who are doing amazing work out in the field. And there are many who are willing to give. Sometimes all you have to do is ask.

Are you always looking forward to something?

2009-07-29T11:43:00.000-07:00

I am. I'm one of those people who really need to learn to live in the moment because I am almost always looking forward to the next exciting thing/event/people/food.

Good news: we received our visa in the mail!! Unbelievable considering the long drawn out process (see previous post), and so very thankful to the Lord for giving us favor. We were hoping to receive it in time for us to return on our flight booked at August 10th. And since we received it way ahead of time, we got greedy and tried to change our flight to a few days earlier so we can get home. Few emails to the travel agent, few phone calls to the airlines, and we just kept running into walls, so finally we gave up.

But I'm bummed. Not that I'm not enjoying our time here in the U.S., but we are ready to start our new lives in Taiwan and six weeks is a long time to just "vacation" here in Colorado. I'm eager to get back to start job hunting, figure out a preschool for Hayden, and go furniture shopping for our new home.

I guess I need to just stay put for a couple more weeks and just live in the moment.

I don't need Jesus to be my "personal" Savior

2009-07-19T18:52:00.000-07:00

I love to worship. One of the things I missed the most in our years in China is opportunities for great worship experiences. (Especially coming from Wheaton, where we were so privileged to have been led by extraordinary Christian artists and gifted worship leaders in amazing worship experiences.) But recently (well, actually for the past several years), I've started having to change the lyrics to many common praise/worship songs in my mind as we sing them. This morning at church, for example, we sang these lyrics,

"Amazing love, how can it be? That you my King would die for me."

and

"...altogether wonderful to me."

and

"I have come to say that You're my God."

I just have a hard time singing these kinds of praises because my King didn't die for ME, He died for US. He's not wonderful to ME, He's wonderful to US. And God is certainly not MY God, but OUR God. One of the gifts of having grown up in Chinese culture, and having lived in it for the past years, is that it has revealed the individualistic aspect of the Western version of Christianity. In the West, the gospel is that Jesus can become each individual person's "personal" Savior, and that one's faith is predominantly about one's "personal" relationship with Christ. It seems to me our faith cannot become isolated to an individual faith, it simply isn't practical. We all know we need community and each other to survive and thrive, why is it the faith community continues to encourage this individual focus?

I recently read in N.T. Wright's "Surprised by Hope", and in it he suggests that just as the Israelites misunderstood God, thinking He wanted to save Israel for the sake of Israel, instead God meant to save Israel in order to save the Gentiles; in the same way, today's Christians perhaps has misunderstood that Jesus isn't saving individuals for the sake of each person, but through us to bring in His Kingdom here on earth.

I think for some people, it is mind-blowing to feel the love that the God of the Universe would care and love and save little tiny me. But isn't it even more mind-blowing that He came to earth, died, and rose again, to save the entire world, and THEN, through us as a faith community, to participate in bringing in His Kingdom? I really don't need Jesus to be my "personal" Savior, I need Him to be the Savior of all, and I need Him to use me in the church, to serve in His Kingdom.

So if I could just change those lyrics...

The Road to a Visa in Taiwan

2009-07-16T11:58:00.000-07:00

When we decided to move to Taiwan, we needed to figure out a way for Jason and the kids, all of whom are U.S. citizens to legally reside in Taiwan. Now let me dispel a very common myth here: just because you are married to someone of another citizenship does NOT mean you can automatically legally stay in that country! It does, however, mean that you are qualified to apply for some sort of visa. Thus begins our road to applying for a residence visa for the family, enabling the U.S. citizens in our family to stay for at least one year with a fairly easy renewal process beyond that.

The paperwork we needed were as follows:
1) application form (easy)
2) two pictures (easy)
3) our marriage certificate, which needed to be a NOTARIZED copy, TRANSLATED into Chinese, and AUTHENTICATED by the Taiwan embassy in jurisdiction of Colorado where we were married. (which was in Kansas City)
4) the children's birth certificate, same deal, NOTARIZED, TRANSLATED, and AUTHENTICATED in the area where they were born. This presented complications for us because our daughter Lizzy was born in Los Angeles, and Hayden was born in Beijing, China. This meant we needed to send the appropriate paperwork to the Los Angeles office for Lizzy's BC, which was not too bad, but Hayden's BC needed to be notarized in Beijing, and then taken to a Cross Straight Council in Taiwan, to be authenticated.
5) Jason's criminal record. This proved to be stressful as in order to apply for a clean bill of criminal record from the FBI, we needed for Jason to get fingerprinted. At this time, (April 09) we were living in Tianjin, and the U.S. embassy in Beijing would not help us get fingerprints. So, I went out to the local grocery store and bought ourselves a black inkpad (not as easy as you'd think because in China, the stamp/chop colors that made anything official was of course RED). Jason spent an entire afternoon trying to get all ten of his fingers rolled in prints, his two thumbs, and two sets of four fingers. It was SUCH a shot in the dark when we mailed that fingerprint card in because we clearly had NO IDEA what we were doing. Off it went in the mail to FBI and three weeks later, we received a clean criminal record for Jason. Whew! This of course, also had to be AUTHENTICATED by the Taiwan embassy in the area jurisdiction of the FBI, which was in Washington D.C.
6) Household Registration - going into the household registration office in Taiwan to add Jason's official Chinese name and to add him into MY registration, which required us to have #3, authenticated marriage certificate.
7) Health examinations for Jason and Lizzy (Hayden is fortunately exempt because it is only for children 6 and under). This was another trying day as we found out they needed to test their stool samples, and no, we could not take it home and wait until my six year old (and husband) were ready to do their business, it had to be RIGHT THERE in the clinic. Lizzy had already gone that very morning so I knew the chances of her producing some samples were slim. I timidly approach the kind nurse at the counter, "Excuse me, miss, what if my daughter can't go?" "Don't worry, we can give her an enema." For those who might not know what an enema is: it involves inserting a bulb syringe up the opening through which one's stool is produced, and administering a liquid medicine through the syringe, which will result in the desire in most people to "do their business". Okay, you can imagine it was a difficult morning, but Lizzy was amazing and even got her blood taken without putting up too much of a fuss.

Six months later, mail sent back and forth between China and Washington DC, and Colorado, and Los Angeles, and Kansas City, and trip to Beijing and Taiwan and finally back in the U.S. We finally have all our documents ready to send it in. The processing time is one month, but we paid extra 50% to have it expedited. I prayed really hard at the Fed Ex office when I sent it in, because if something was wrong with the application, I might just go insane.

Will keep people posted when we get that hard-earned visa in our passports.

Missing China

2009-07-15T08:55:00.000-07:00

I'm a bit emotional at the moment as I have just written our last newsletter (for those who are interested in how we tag team as a couple, I write the newsletters, and Jason edits, puts up pictures, formats, and sends them out), to be sent out soon. Oh boy, it's just an end of an era, to think we had been living/serving in China for five and a half years. I honestly don't think we have even begun to process it, things have been too crazy busy! I miss different things about China at different times. Right now, our ayi is on my heart. Just try to imagine being a part of a family, she made lunch for us every day for three years, taking care of Hayden from birth (she was the only non parent that Hayden allowed to hold him when he was a baby), and then having them leave your country and go where you cannot go. As much as we miss her (and her delicious food), I'm worried about how she's dealing with losing us.

Pilot Post

2009-07-09T20:55:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited to start this new blog. I had been managing another blog that was mainly for the purpose of posting pictures of the kids. Then I decided pictures are a lot easier to upload on facebook than on blogger so I kinda stopped blogging. Besides, the title of that one is "Brandt kids in Tianjin", and we're not living in Tianjin anymore. Time for a fresh "beginning". Family/friends, I really hope this will be an effective way of keeping in touch with all of you. We've lived in many places and alongside the joys of getting to know the people on our globetrotting adventures comes the pain of leaving and the holes you leave in our hearts. Thank God for internet! Keep in touch, friends!